#this the actual f*ck. they expect me to survive until then

[theinfinitedivides]

thank God. they know how to keep us fed

[happymediumclub]

In Defense of Spreading Holiday Cheer Fear

Low-stakes ways to feed your inner villain during the happiest time of the year

By Happy Medium Club’s resident Scorpio, Samirah 

Before you @me, you should know that I actually love the holidays.

I thrive in busy, high-stress seasons of life, and usually appreciate the chaos that inevitably comes from spending too much quality time with family and friends. But here’s what I do hate about the holidays: the cultural obsession with being “nice.”

This time of the year and the expectations that come with it are difficult for me for many reasons.

a) mental illness

b) stress-induced tension in my interpersonal relationships (a byproduct of your mental illness)

c) resulting feelings of self-hate that I usually can’t shake until a priest draws those little black ash marks on my forehead (iykyk)

Don’t worry—I’m fine!

I’m not a mean person. Neither year-round nor seasonally. I just personally find it hard to be nice all the time. I can’t possibly be the only one, right?

I feel like that’s a totally fine thing to admit about yourself?

All that to say, after many years of practice, I’ve fine-tuned a very emotionally immature way to help myself survive this time of year the best I can.

You can call it being a Scrooge or a Grinch, or maybe just a capital “B” (put some respect on it!) B*tch. I like to think of it more like microdosing meanness. It’s a tried-and-true (by me only) method, totally not backed by science. It’s a way of helping me cope with the pressure to be endlessly kind during the holidays.

Like microdosing herbs, psychedelics, or prescription medications, the idea is that low doses of unkindness help boost my overall mood and promote emotional balance. In layman’s terms, I just sprinkly dinkly a little bit of meanie weenie here and there.

Before I pass along my wisdom to you, let me again reinforce that this method is not backed by scientists, doctors, or blessed by any sort of mental health expert.

Nonetheless, here are four easy ways to microdose meanness during the holidays.

These tactics (probably!) won’t get you disinvited from Christmas dinner next year. Good luck!

1. Get Drunk & Say Mean Sh*T

Let’s start with the simplest one that even the most genuinely nice person can easily execute. Actually, this one works best the nicer you are! I’ll caveat that this one actually does NOT work if you are either a) too mean or b) too frequently drunk. 

All you have to do is have a little bit too much spiked dairy-free egg nog and then let ‘er rip. I like to add a playful little “just kidding” at the end to take the edge off for both yourself and the victim. This beautiful touch was inspired by my mother-in-law. Now, this isn’t a tactic you can overuse, but do feel free to dip your toe in with different groups and see how she feels!

2. Drive a Wedge

Not going to lie, this one takes a bit more scheming, so it’s not for the faint of heart. However, it does do double duty for those of us with certain compulsions by occupying more mind space. This one is especially for those of us who tire of caving on our own plans for the holidays in order to appease others. Have a controlling family member who is never happy unless things happen exactly the way they want? Let’s take them the f*ck down.

Say your mother insists on hosting your family’s Christmas morning brunch at her house year after year, even though all of her children are adults and live in separate homes. You’re tired of waking up early and being forced to wear your old Church clothes— just to only be assigned to bring orange juice for the mimosas.

I’d take a simple 4-step approach.

First, agree graciously.

Second, assume you’re not the only one who is pissed. Start by talking shit to your sister with a new baby. Chances are she agrees, so there’s your first opportunity to plant the seed of resentment.

Then move to the next household. Tell your three adorable young nieces that Santa has been holding back on their gifts because they don’t know where grandma lives, so they’ll cause enough chaos to sufficiently stress your sister and brother-in-law.

All you have to do now is sit back and enjoy the show. Depending on how your family deals with emotion, it will either be a shouting match or a cold war. Either way, call yourself T Swift because you are a friggin Mastermind. 

3. Pick a Punching Bag

Ideally, you’re punching up, but that’s not always possible.

But you can make a deal with a good, understanding friend who takes it like a champ. I’m not saying my friend Dom is a punching bag, but he wants to be! Dom likes the attention. Do I sometimes exploit it? Probably, but I do my best not to.

And in all seriousness, Dom’s ability to be a sturdy, yet vulnerable friend who isn’t afraid of my many emotions is incredibly valuable to me. I call this person a punching bag only for the sake of this article, but as described, it’s obviously not a fair position to put your friends in. However, the idea (the hope) is that this person is willing to look past some of your holiday misfires and give you a safe space to display your hostility. 

Like with any of these, don’t overdo it, and don’t take it for granted. At a minimum, buy your punching bag a Starbucks gift card or a pack of Shiner Cheer for their efforts. 

4. Say Nothing At All 

Just get drunk and go to bed early. To cause maximum chaos, be asleep during key moments. Family game night, last leg of the White Elephant exchange, family photos. You get the idea— be strategic. The best part about this one, for the attention whores, is that people will constantly be asking about you and wondering where you are. Let them talk.

Happy Christmas, Grinchie Winchies!

[mbrainspaz]

Day two and things have not improved!

The one doctor who's in reasonable distance on my insurance didn't have any appointments available until NEXT YEAR. So they scheduled me with some other random doctor who works there. She isn't listed on my insurance site but that's been wrong about most things so far, so who freakin' knows. Maybe when they start prepping my appointment in 3 weeks I'll get a call saying they aren't in network after all. Until then, who can say?! The psychology debacle continued with a call back from another clinic that had an incorrect address posted on the insurance site and is actually 1 hour away. Actually they have two locations and both of them are 1 hour away. Everyone I've talked to has a strong Spanish accent. But they called and tried to schedule me for an eval and said they could do it virtually! Today! Naturally I was suspicious.

Sure enough an hour later I got a call saying 'oops sowwy we have to do that in person.' So I'm like [aaaaaaagh! ugh! rrrhhhmmm!] f*ck it, I'm calling the other place that's 2 hours away back. That doctor had LGBTQ+ listed as well as ADHD and I'd really like to talk to a mental health professional about gender stuff for once too. Call them up, start to schedule an appointment, find out they don't bill insurance companies. Like at all. Oof?! "How much is the eval then?" "$900." O_e

What's worse is I could tell the girl on the phone felt sorry for me when I balked. But DAMN son how rich do you have to be to get a taste of those sweet sweet ADHD meds around here???

So I'd have to pay that out of pocket, then send my receipts to my insurance and just HOPE they gave me some money back.

Oh and then--THEN she tells me it's not even one evaluation, it's TWO. That's 8 hours of driving. Probably around $100 just on gas and tolls.

fuck me. Shit is bad but it's been bad my whole life and I've survived this long. Maybe I can raw dog my problems for another few years until my horse dies and I can finally try to escape this hell hole of a country. The hispanic clinic called back again while I was typing this and scheduled me for next week. Fully expecting to get another call before then saying they don't actually accept my insurance. They haven't told me what psychologist I'm supposed to be seeing yet so I can't check. S'pose I've had to drive about an hour to every doctor appointment so far, so what's one more? Really baffling how there don't seem to be any doctors that accept my insurance within 50 miles of my town. I live in the most populous county in Texas, not the boonies. Maybe my insurance just sucks. I've got no way to know.

But you've gotta love how they're like, "Oh you want to be diagnosed with a mental illness that makes you struggle to complete tasks and has debilitated you to the point of poverty? Complete this impossible maze of bureaucracy, pay $1000, and maybe we'll consider helping you!" yowza.

Was supposed to have a doctor appointment downtown at a place I was referred to by my primary care doctor (who I'm about done with) but when I arrived they said 'oops we're actually not in network but you can pay us $200 if you still wanna have your appointment'

so I walked out and went to find a beer instead.

Only bright side is I refused to make another login on their stupid app so I didn't have to spend the last week getting spammed with all their 'appointment updates' and 'early sign in' prompts. Healthcare providers have lost their damn minds if they think I'm putting up with more of that. They called me yesterday to complain that I hadn't logged in to their 'patient portal' yet and I just said, 'mmm, but what if I didn't?' They were like, 'uh... um... okay just arrive 30 minutes early.' 'See, I can do that.'

Not that it did me any good. I gave them my insurance info on the phone when I booked the appointment 2 weeks ago and what was the point of even doing that if they were just gonna decide not to tell me I'm 'out of network'? Or is it that they're 'out of network'? Hell if I know.

Finished my beer, went home, and logged on to the stupid insurance site to find a stupid provider that IS 'in network.' Turns out there's only one without a slew of negative reviews. I called their number, got a robot maze, picked a dead end option, it hung up on me. Called again, tried a different path, got a person, she said she was the wrong person, gave me a number for the right people but said they were in a meeting. It was 4pm so I asked when they closed. 5pm. Waited 30 minutes, called the number, "number cannot be completed as dialed," hung up. Went back through the call robot, got their voicemail, voicemail explained that they won't return calls after 4pm. Left one anyway.

Also tried to find a psychologist since I was already suffering anyway and discovered there's only one who's 'in-network' who might be able to help me. Got rerouted to their website, very corporate (hate it), it funneled me into a virtual appointment queue and demanded my credit card info. Tried calling instead, lady on the phone says yeah no a virtual appointment won't work for diagnostic assessment so I have to go in person. Oh, and the location on my insurance site is wrong, it's actually 2 hours away. I say 'thanks I'll keep looking' and hang up.

I'll die, thanks!

[ryoryeonggu]

To begin with, I’ve never been related to any characters like Jang Han Seo. It was oblivious that he was suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD resulting from the abuse that he had been endured at home, but it seemed like he had the sign of social phobia as well. As we could see in the drama, his life completely revolved around his brother, he had no friends, no interested in dating or attracting to anyone (if we can count Han Seung Hyuk as his “friend” since he might be closer to him than anyone other than Han Seok and before Vincenzo). It might be because of the tittle as The Chairman of Babel and being born in a wealthy family which make him aware that people wanted to get close to him only for money or taking advantage of him to get what they wanted. But the things is, he seemed to avoid any chance of building relationships that have the potential to be more intimate or more complex than basic communication, rejecting even the slightest touch, not just with Han Seok - the one he's afraid of but almost everyone else.

For example, back when Vincenzo (the one he became extremely close to later on) was only a stranger and he pretended to be a fan to approach Han Seo. He appeared to be extremely enthusiastic and just only showed the want of touching Han Seo, Han Seo immediately flinched away and made a clearly uncomfortable expression. He looked at his hand like a gun pointing at him. 

Example 2, when Han Seung Hyuk - the one who had close relationship than anyone else besides his brother at that time, just about to go closer to him and he already gave the big “Don’t touch me bitch” energy and make a gesture for him to go away. 

This is the first time he had met his sister-in-law (applying for both his blood and adopted brothers). It didn’t go well.

Han Seo himself had proven to be an extremely clingy person and liked to actively skinship towards the people he was close to, but for others, when being touched, his body will immediately generate rejection and fear as a reflex.

Jang Han Seo had another trait that he was completely used to people ignoring him, not taking him seriously, but if someone liked him, complimented him, spoke well of him, then he didn't know how to react naturally as if his brain was immediately shut down. I totally understand this, because I have the same problem, if someone insults me even with the most hurtful things, I'll be like "you say nothing that I don’t already know. I also insulted myself like that every day so we have the same opinion bro” xD But if people compliment me with kind words, I will be extremely surprised, even scared and panic. I will be worried sick about how to make people continue to think well of me and what if I do something wrong later that makes them no longer like me. But of course, when the anxiety reaches a certain level, my mood will turn into: "Nevermind, let's care about it later. Who give a f*ck if they like me or not" lol But Jang Han Seo wasn’t like that. He remembered and held on to the praises of others stubbornly. Many people think that Han Seo betrayed Han Seok just because of Vincenzo, but in fact, the first person to put that thought into Han Seo's head was Han Seung Hyuk. He did not convince him with the benefits, fame, and money of being the true chairman of Babel, but that how he, on behalf of Babel’s member and as an employee of the company, valued and needed him. He hyped him up as the "sharp, ambitious and not murderous" ideally chairman, the only hope of Babel’s bright future and the only person that the people in the company could depend on. Before that, although he was really angry that Han Seok constantly rejected his offers, Han Seo kept saying "Are you telling me to betray my brother? Do you even know what you are saying?" showed that he completely accepted that he wasn’t able to run the company and continued to live in Han Seok's shadow, until Mr. Han opened a new vision for him. Han Seung Hyuk's words couldn’t tell that he was really meant it or not, and maybe Han Seo already knew he was untrustworthy, but it sparked the thought that he could actually do better than his brother and be capable of turning Babel into something good. When negotiating with Vincenzo, he mentioned not only that he wanted Vincenzo to spare his life but also Babel (not just the company itself or its property, but also the employees whose life depended on the company’s survival) Then Vincenzo came. Before Vin hyung appeared, Jang Han Seok was completely Han Seo's ideal model for him to look up to and learn from. He yelled at people’s face and throw hockey balls to their stomach to show his authority (like how his brother beated the shit out of him with a hockey stick when he messed up in the previous episode), making people afraid so they could listen to him (but most of his efforts failed miserably because he just looked like an adorable bratty angry kitten). Then Vin hyung appeared, encouraged him to study harder and gave him a completely different role model, the man he wanted to become. And that's when he started to change, showing his true self, he let his hair down, started to wear clothes that looked comfortable and youthful, laughed more often and looked more alive. After his brother went to prison, he turned into a friendly, gentle and loving chairman and didn't shout at anyone anymore xD Continued to episode 19, when Vincenzo mentioned the possibility of Han Seok being released from prison early and would come to him first, advising him to fly away to a foreign country, Han Seo, although trying to hide it, clearly shows his fear (of course when you've been terrified of something all your life, fear can't disappear within a day or two), but still refuses to run away because "I made a promise to you." Even when Vincenzo made it clear that "you can keep your promise to me later" and still tried to convince him, Han Seo was still determined to stay and fight to the end. Simply because Vincenzo showed his belief in Han Seo, that he had potential, he could change and become a better person, a trustworthy person that could count on, and because of that, he would do it everything to live up to that expectation (which he has proven he could - or at least tried to - do everything, except murders xD). Others' faith in him is Han Seo's biggest motivation, because he's probably used to being seen as a useless person without any value, a piece of trash that doesn't deserve to exist, not only for his brother, but also for his parents, who see his birth as an accident, a mistake of a casual cheating hook up, not a miracle result of their desire to have a child. That is also the reason why Han Seok completely failed to convince his little brother to betray Vincenzo by promising to give him all of Babel, it could be seen in Han Seo's reaction that there was not a bit of greed or joy, but a complete shock at his brother’s brutal request, and he still didn't move at all. It was only when Vincenzo took the initiative to kneel and asked him to do what Han Seok told him to do, Han Seo finally was able to stand up, and when Vincenzo said "It's okay", implying that he would’ve fully understood if Han Seo had chose to kill him for survival, in that moment he already knew what he had to do, even at the cost of the life that he treasured the most. Because what Han Seo longed from the beginning was never Babel, but rather to become a kind of meaningful existence, not only for others but also for himself.

[mofieroll]

You Too (Jotaro Kujo x Fem!Reader)

Inspired from my in-character interaction with @mistaeq! Dedicated to them for motivating me to write! 💛

A Post!SDC Jotaro x Reader one shot where you bond with Holly, who you call Seiko, and pamper your man Jotaro.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Trauma

Word Count: 3k

Two years have passed since the events of the Crusaders' trip to Egypt to save the life of Holly Kujo from being taken by her own Stand. To say that the trip was memorable is an understatement. It was too memorable. The memories of built friendships and increased attachments in just a span of fifty days were unbearable, for fate made the surviving comrades of the group pay for all the joyous moments with the pain of death and eternal separation.

It was hard. Painful. Frightening. Heartbreaking.

It was excruciatingly traumatizing, that even the boy who appeared to be unbothered and distant, the boy who put an end to the cold-blooded century old vampire's curse, couldn't deny it.

Jotaro Kujo couldn't get away from the memories of his dying friends, and so, the supposed flashbacks became inescapable nightmares.

But fortunately, that was until you came.

You met Jotaro a month after he came back from his trip. The meeting was a mere coincidence as you were a year lower than him, you personally did not and had no intentions of getting to know him. It just so happened that Holly or Seiko, his mother, came across your small shop that sold self-designed accessories made from recycled materials. You had told her you search and pick the materials —mostly trash— yourself, which certainly piqued the woman's interest and told you, “Is that right? I have a son, and don't tell him I told you this, but he loves marine animals! It seems you are both fond of nature so I'm sure you'll get along— Oh! I'm sorry dear, we haven't introduced ourselves! I'm Holly Kujo, but you can call me Seiko~”. She was a sweetheart, so you saw no harm in accepting her offer that led you to become a close acquaintance of the Kujo Family.

Much to the matchmaker's Seiko's dismay, it took a year for you and Jotaro to confess that your platonic feelings are in need of a level up. She is Jotaro's mother and your first Kujo friend, of course she'd notice if something was up between you and Jotaro that you both refused to talk about! When you finally re-introduced yourself as Jotaro's.. cough.. girlfriend, Seiko was delighted and decided to treat her second favorite couple (next to her parents Joseph and Suzie) to a nice romantic dinner! The unplanned date embarrassed Jotaro, but he endured it as it gave a good start for the new level of your relationship with him.

Until then, Jotaro became more and more protective. You found it sweet knowing that your boyfriend, former acquaintance, cares about you and shows affection in ways you quite expected for a forbearing man like him. He's not a man of words nor materialistic gifts but a man of straightforward actions— yet he remained mysterious.

Jotaro has been avoiding you since the week has started. He distanced himself yet guarded you as you walked home after class everyday. Everytime you tried to catch him, he's nowhere to be seen. You started to get frustrated, and you know you wouldn't get any explanation even if you corner him and face him alone.

Seiko called you today and asked if you could have dinner wih them, which you excitedly agreed to because you were actually on the way to the Kujo household, a paper bag —which contained your newly designed rings and necklace— in hand.

With Seiko greeting you outside their gates, you entered their traditional mansion and told her about the happenings from the previous days. Even with the mention of Jotaro's sudden actions, Seiko chatted with you nonchalantly.

“Dear, you know my boy would do things that can be a little too unexpected even for me,” Seiko stated, “But if there's one thing or two that I can assure of, is that he means no harm..” You stopped in your tracks as she faced you and tucked your hair behind your ear, smiling, “And he cares for you, [Y/N]. I think, that may be his way of showing it!” Seiko spoke with softness, hopeful that her words would reach you and get rid of any confusion that would spark a misunderstanding on her stoic son's intentions.

You smiled back at Seiko with teary eyes, touched by her comfort. You pulled out the necklace from your paper bag and showed it to her, quietly telling her that it's your gift, only to receive an enthusiastic squeal and hug before you locked the accessory around her neck.

“It looks perfect on you Seiko! I wonder if I'd be as beautiful as you when I reach your age..” You sighed and pouted at Seiko, holding the paper bag on your middle.

“Oh, you!” Seiko playfully hit you as you both giggled, “You shouldn't say such things to a middle aged woman, [Y/N]! I might believe you!” Seiko joked while you insisted that you're sincere about your compliment.

Your chat continued on until she told you to run along and check on her boy, not forgetting to tease that Jotaro misses you. You face warmed in pink, which Seiko found so cute that she had to pinch your cheeks. With her positive and welcoming presence, your determination to face Jotaro fueled.

Seiko informed you that she'll be preparing dinner. You replied, “Mhm! I'll drag Jotaro and we'll meet you here at the dining room! Is that okay?”

“Okay~!”

—

Meanwhile Jotaro, who hasn't come out of his room the whole day, heard you and Seiko pass by. He was sitting in the far corner of his room but the combined voices of yours and his mother's particularly blasted through his ears. He's.. happy.. that you're both safe and sound.. but— why are you here? You should be at home! Did something happen? Did someone bother you? Wait.. did you come here alone? Didn't he tell you even before that you shouldn't go out at night? What if.. what if something happened to you? What if someone showed up and.. and took you away? Took you somewhere.. he can't reach.. What if his dreams were to happen? What if—

Knock! Knock!

Jotaro's sweating face turned to look at his door as his breathing became more unsteady. His eyes widened, brows clashed, and his mouth was agape, gasping for more air. His fists were clenched and he was trembling, who's knocking? Who's trying to get him again?

“Kujo?”

Jotaro stopped breathing for a second while his body still trembled. The voice that called him held sweetness and concern in it but he was still in a dark trance. What if someone's trying to deceive him?

“Seiko called me, may I come in?”

His widened eyes calmed, turning his tormented expression into one of those longingness. His shuddering arm reached out as he subconsciously stood and walked towards his shut door. His cold hand gripped the handle.. but he didn't have the slightest strength to pull it himself. What is he doing? He can't face anyone like this, especially..

On the other side of Jotaro's door was you, with a hand that also gripped the cold handle, waiting for the right timing to enter. Your heartbeat has increased its pace, indicating your uptight feeling of facing him after not seeing him for over a week. You were nervous and a short flashback of your first meeting with Jotaro popped up in your mind. Has it really been two years?

Jotaro never directly told you of his.. episodes. But, there were times where you just happened to observe that whenever you were late on your meeting, he immediately scoops you in a hug while he trembles; or whenever you randomly visit him on weekends and you enter his room only with a knock, he abruptly charges at you with his folded fist stopping inches from your worried face. He didn't tell you about what's haunting him, not even once. Yes, you were undeniably frustrated by him avoiding you, but you love him well enough to have the willingness to act up whilst having patience.

You waited for more minutes before speaking again, “I'm gonna enter now, alright?” You assured, carefully sliding the door behind you and turning on the light switch after you entered.

Your eyes wandered after it adjusted to the lit room, locking on the form of a slouched man in the corner, sitting with a knee up that had his arm and head resting on it while his other knee was folded. You quietly sighed and walked close to him, hiding the impatience to throw yourself at him and pepper him with kisses, mumbling i missed yous. You would have done it, but that kind of affection.. goes for later.

You sat beside Jotaro and placed the paper bag on your side. You weren't too close nor too far from him, just enough to have your hand caress his messy dark hair. You loved seeing him without his hat, seeing his flawless face be shadowless. But if he took it off, the reason is either he's agitated or.. sleep. There was a time when you told him that he should take off his hat indoors and a time you tried to take it off yourself, but he completely ignored you at both and kept the hat on.

“How are you?” You asked without expecting a reply. It was to make him acknowledge your presence, and that is because you didn't know that he's been waiting for you to come in since the moment he heard your voice.

Jotaro wanted to answer. He wanted to lock you in his arms and.. say sorry. He wanted to apologize for neglecting you but— how is he going to do that without telling you too much?

“Why the f*ck did my mother call you? I don't need any help. That b*tch.”

There it is, his method of putting up a tough facade, the swearing that would prompt anybody to think that he needs no help. It worked on you once, but you're not just anybody to him now.

“Mhm. Seiko checked up on me while I was heading home from.. somewhere. She invited me for dinner,” You informed. You didn't want to tell him that you were on your way here even before Seiko called you, knowing full well that he's against you ‘roaming’ at night alone.

You continued to comb through his hair as he answered, “For real [Y/N], I'm fine. Leave. I don't need you to stay here— or.. or something.”

Your hand lowered to his upper back and started to rub circles, “Would you look at me and say that again, Kujo?” you asked in a slightly teasing tone, trying to light up the mood.

You started humming a soft melody, a melody that somehow always soothed Jotaro. The first time you hummed it was when you were cooking dinner for him and Seiko wasn't home. He got into a fight that day and he was abnormally quiet, not the usual, resulting to a tension between the two of you. You hummed the melody to ease the atmosphere, and when you were placing his plate on the table, he suddenly grabbed your wrist and muttered an apology before he told you to ‘keep doing’ what you were doing. The melody was just random, so you did your best to remember its tone and hum it whenever you both need comfort.

And this time, he was soothed again, but he isn't going to be swayed so easily even if he wants to.

“F*cking go away.” He huffs, “You're just like the annoying b*tch. Leave me alone.”

No, stay. He stated in his mind the complete opposite of what came out of his mouth. Of course you didn't leave and continued to hum and rub circles on his back. He may be one of the harshest men you've met, but you have a counter for that. Well.. you're stubborn.

He remembered what you said about heading home from.. somewhere. Where was that? “Where were you coming from?” He asked in a demanding tone.

“Doesn't matter where I was, Kujo. You're still not looking at me.” You retreated your hand from his back and crawled to sit in front of him in crossed legs before placing your hands on his large ones, “I wouldn't mind being like Seiko, although..” You squeezed the top of his hands, bowed your body and peeked at his face where your warm [E/C] eyes met his tired yet enchanting aquamarines. Your lips quirked into a small smile, “You wouldn't want your partner to be your second mother, would you?”

Partner?

Jotaro looked at you blankly, not realizing how close your faces were, “You're still worrying about me too much, I'm fine. I'm.. I'm just remembering..” You straightened and held his cheeks, gently pulling up his face before standing on your knees. You shifted your hand and cupped his face, delicately looking at him to encourage him to speak.

In that moment where he's putting his toughness down, you've completely set aside the issue from the past week. The thoughts that Jotaro might've had enough of you because he thinks you're oblivious to his personal issues— all gone. Holly's words echoed through your mind. Mother truly knows best.

“Egypt.. friends dyi—” Jotaro cut his words and sighed deeply, “..all of it is hitting hard. You won't understand.”

You bit your bottom lip and nodded. He's right, you would not be able to understand, but that's temporary. It'll take more time for him but you're willing to wait, “I.. dream of you..” He swallows the lump in his throat while you wipe the sweat forming on his temple, “I dream of you dying too.”

With that, you were able to catch on more of what happened before you came in his life. People close to him died. People who he probably traveled with.. might have died right before him.. or not. And now he's being haunted, probably by the guilt or by the experience itself. You're still skeptical, but it's considerably clear now.

Your eyes that looked at your hand which wiped his bead of sweat shifted to his eyes, and you saw fear. He was frightened, not only by the past, but also by the possibility that he might lose you too.

You retreated your hands and sat on your legs as you and Jotaro continued to communicate through your eyes. Your heart was thumping fast against your chest, now of sympathy.

“Jotaro, I..”

This time, you threw yourself at him. Arms snaking around his neck, your face buried on his shoulder. You wrapped him in a tight hug as it took him time to return the affection, wrapping his arms around your back and pulling you even closer as he closed his eyes and basked his head on yours. You and Jotaro savored the hug for a while, not thinking about anything else aside being in each other's arms.

“I'm here.. and I'm telling you that I'll be here to love you longer than that delinquent head of yours expected.”

You broke the hug gently, a hand shifting to cup his cheek while you also reached for the paper bag. Jotaro opened his eyes as he felt you fix his sitting position so you could sit —with crossed legs— on his thighs, laying your back on his chest.

“See this?” You lifted the paper bag with both hands, giving Jotaro the chance to once again wrap his arms around your waist. He doesn't mind giving in to your touch as of now.

Jotaro grunted, “Inside this lovely recycled and eco-friendly paper bag are things that.. uhm.. how do I introduce it..” You slowly placed your head on his shoulder, putting the bag down between your legs. You contemplated as you stared on the wooden ceiling, “I know! The things.. consider it as our promise to each other, Kujo. Am I clear? Yep, I'm clear!”

Jotaro clicked his tounge in annoyance as you lifted your head from his shoulder when he was about to rest his head against yours. Why can't he just cuddle you without you moving too much? Can't you and him just cuddle in peace?

You shifted again, now face to face with him. You acted surprise when you saw his furrowed brow, “Oh? Kujo is annoyed with the mighty [L/N]?”

“Just get it over with, woman.” Jotaro supported your back with an arm, watching you as you struggled to hold his free hand with one of yours. You had set aside the paper bag, the things in it now hidden in your other hand.

When you finally settled with wrapping your small hand around his palm so his fingers were loose, you smiled up at him and swiftly leaned in to kiss the tip of his nose. Jotaro turned away, snorting to at least lessen his flustered state. Where is his hat now that he practically needs it?

Jotaro felt a cold thing graze his skin, along with what seems to be two fingers pushing the thing on his. He glanced and saw you inserting a ring on his pinky with a serious face. You were glaring at his hand, your smile only returning when you successfully inserted the ring.

You let go of his hand and was about to wear the other ring yourself when he grabbed your wrist, snatched the ring and easily inserted the accessory on your pinky, all of it with only one hand as his other arm was still supporting you.

You were taken aback, ready to question him when he pulled you into a bridal position and locked your upper body with his arms within a second. You chuckled instead of saying a thing, wrapping your arms around his torso.

“Keen for a cuddle, huh, Kujo?”

“Good grief. You're one brave woman to challenge me.”

As you and Jotaro became ignorant to your surroundings, a flash of a camera resided from the slightly opened door, the sound being followed by a muffled kyaaah! which, with no doubt, came from the adorably giddy mother of the impatient man in your arms.

[End!]

[theparanormalperiodical]

Top 10 Scariest Horror Films You Didn't Know Were Based On A TRUE Story feat. Trailers + Where To Watch

There’s something about horror films that are based on real events that just make me weak.

So weak, in fact, I’ve decided to spend the last *checks watch* one and a half years of my early 20s delving into the facts and the fiction haunting the horror genre. 

My parents must be so proud.

Most of these films wear the badge of ‘this is reality or close enough to it, anyway’ with dignity, leveraging gullible paranormalists like me to drive ticket sales. The Conjuring (2013) is just one of these films that is explicit in its basis in reality, going on to rake in 16 times its budget and inspiring me to delve deeper into my occultist journey.

(No, really, they’re so proud.)

But the ventures of Ed and Lorraine Warren are not the only experiences of horrifying and haunting events to be reinterpreted via the silver screen. There are some horror films you wouldn’t expect to have reality flushing through their veins.

Some of horror’s biggest hitters aren’t just living in your nightmares. They actually happened IRL.

Which is, ummm, fine, yeah, it’s not like I need to sleep anyway.

*Stay tuned to discover the horror films you didn’t know were based on true stories and the real accounts that inspired them.*

Jaws (1975)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1fu_sA7XhE 

This cinematic classic follows the adventures of a great white shark as it terrorises the summer resort town of Amity. A couple of corpses later, and the local police chief, rookie marine biologist, and wild-card shark hunter track the beast down themselves.

Most horror films use a person or a story as a basis for a film. Jaws, however, is an amalgamation of experiences recorded by the writer of the novel inspiring the film, Peter Benchley.

Benchley admittedly had a life-long obsession with sharks and was inspired to write a book on a rogue great white after reading about a bloke called Frank Mundus.

"...in 1964, I read an item in a newspaper about a fisherman who harpooned a 4,500-pound great white shark off Long Island. I remember thinking at the time, Lord! What would happen if one of those monsters came into a resort community and wouldn't go away?”

Quint, the wild card shark hunter, was based directly on Mundus.

Another influence, although not referenced by Benchley, was the 1916 New Jersey shark attacks.

In high summer, five Americans were attacked by a great white off the coast of the Jersey Shore with 4 falling victim to their wounds. For the next 11 days, the same shark cruised along the 70 miles of the beach towns and small villages. The shark even performed the first shark attack reported in US history, countering the long-standing belief that sharks couldn’t bite through human bone.

(Spoiler alert: they can.)

When beach goers came to the beach early morning to discover the 3rd victim bitten in half, this was disproven. After that discovery - which bares a striking resemblance to the opening scenes of Jaws - the story hit The New York Times front page.

Just like the film the mayors tried to deny there was a deadly shark making the rounds to secure profit to their seaside resorts. And just like the film a swimmer was even mauled in an estuary.

It wasn’t long before they settled on the identity of the perpetrator and the locals set off with rifles and pitchforks.

(Not sure how useful they’d be against a shark, but okay.)

The shark met its end after it attacked one of the hunters’ boats, a scene we also witness in the film.

You can rent it for £2.50 on Amazon Prime.

Deliver Us From Evil (2014)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWDM_p68HAQ

We follow a policeman who has a side gig as an exorcist as he encounters strange goings on in the Bronx. Ralph Sarchie chases up the paranormal activity and attempts to untangle why possessed people are painting ancient messages and images in various places.

Here’s the thing: none of this actually happened. As far as we know, anyway.

What this film is based on is the real Ralph Sarchie who wrote the memoir Beware The Night as an ode to his work as a demonologist. It’s based on his character, his tone of voice, and how he carried out his work.

Sarchie presents his work as his destiny, as some form of divine intervention he believes was signalled by his survival of a severe illness he contracted when he was 10.

He claims to carry a splinter of the ‘true cross’ - I guess the one Jesus actually died on - and considers himself more of a priestly figure armed with relics and holy water than a paranormal investigator.

Sarchie has worked on many possessions and hauntings, claiming he didn’t charge a cent despite the high fee he probably got from the book sales and the film’s debut. The most famous tale is that of the ‘Halloween Horror’:

A woman named Gabby began to see a woman floating in a cloud of white smoke in the corner of her bedroom. It wasn’t long before this smoky woman began to speak through Gabby according to her partner Dominick.

Gabby’s friend then says this was the ghost of a woman murdered on her wedding night. She then apparently saw the spirit of her father. Activity followed with flying books, moans and growls, and the word ‘HELP’ written on the mirror. Eventually an incubus rocks up and is hell bent on attacking various family members.

When Gabby gets possessed in the presence of Sarchie and his paranormal-busting-partner, he exorcises her of the spirit.

In total, Sarchie has assisted in 25 exorcisms and hundreds of ‘house exorcisms’.

You can watch it for free on Netflix.

The Blob (1958/1988)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdUsyXQ8Wrs

*cue the canned screams*

In some rural town in America, a meteorite crashes to the ground. Someone investigates and a jelly globule attaches itself to their hand before consuming it. It then begins to consume their entire body. It’s not long before it starts to consume, well, everyone and everything in its path.

8 years before the horror icon first became a cult classic, two police officers in Philadelphia saw something float down from the sky. They thought it was a parachute and decided to investigate.

What they discovered was a six feet wide purple glob of odourless gloop. It was filled with crystals and gave off a mist. One of the police officers took the plunge - quite literally - and dipped a hand in. He kept the hand, but noticed the sticky residue left on his hands.

The gloop quickly disappeared and left the grass underneath it unbent. It was allegedly only there for 25 minutes. They were the only ones that saw it. It soon made its way into the press and the FBI asked the Air Force to investigate. They declined.

You can watch it for £3.50 on Amazon Prime.

Wolf Creek (2005)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S13W69FQhs

Two British tourists are backpacking across Australia when they run into trouble in Wolf Creek National Park. A helpful local offers to help fix their broken down car and provide some shelter. Turns out the helpful local is actually a psychopathic xenophobic murderer. He entraps tourists, lures them to his shelter, and tortures/kills them.

Most gory horror films can be compared to real life murders and other crimes. Unfortunately, even the most imaginative forms of torture or murder has probably already happened. But the film was directly based on the backpacker murders committed by Ivan Milat in the 90s.

Milat murdered 7 people aged 19 to 22, preying on those encouraged to backpack across Australia after several tourism campaigns revealed how cheap and easy it was. In ‘92 and ‘93 the bodies were discovered in Belanglo State Forest with the wounds and injuries suggesting the scenes played out in film were similar to those Milat committed.

In late ‘93 a force dedicated to hunting the unknown killer emerged. It used gym memberships, gun licensing, and police records to narrow down a list of 32 suspects.

It was only when Paul Onions, a British backpacker reported he was nearly murdered near Belanglo State Forest that the police could pinpoint that Milat.

You can watch it for £2 on Amazon Prime.

Open Water (2004)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9q1qJi1nMs

It’s everyone’s worst nightmare: being left in the middle of the ocean. A distant couple decide to take a relaxing break and head out for a scuba-diving vacation. Their holiday is ruined, however, when the guy driving the boat f*cks up the head count and thinks everyone is back on board after a diving sesh. The couple come back to the surface and discover the boat is gone.

Yep, this all happened in real life.

In 1998, Thomas and Eileen Lonergan went on a scuba diving trip to Australia’s Coral Sea. They were mistakenly stranded by the boat crew leading the dive and their absence wasn’t noticed until 2 days later when a bag containing their belongings was discovered.

The crew and other rescue teams searched the area but did not discover their bodies. Personal belongings were found.

A diver’s slate - a device for communicating underwater - was one of these items.

"Monday Jan 26; 1998 08am. To anyone who can help us: We have been abandoned on A[gin]court Reef by MV Outer Edge 25 Jan 1998 3pm. Please help to rescue us before we die. Help!!!"

The other items that washed up, including a wetsuit, suggested they had probably not fallen victim to shark attacks but had become disoriented, dehydrated, or injured by coral. Alternate theories claim it may have been a murder-suicide to avoid the slow, distressing death of being left at sea, or that it was a faked death/disappearance. No bank accounts had been tampered with, however.

Tougher regulations for scuba-diving in Australia shortly followed their disappearance.

You can watch it for free on Amazon Prime.

The Rite (2011)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hG3ktopqv8

We follow exorcist-in-training Father Gary Thomas as he navigates the loss of this faith. When the opportunity for fighting growing demonic possessions arises, Thomas decides to become an exorcist. We see Thomas as he is confronted by evil and reaffirms his devotion to God.

Portrayed by veteran actor Anthony Hopkins, Father Gary Thomas is a real American exorcist - one of the 14 Vatican-verified exorcists working State-side. He did in fact study in the Vatican to become an exorcist, and another student he met there would chronicle his experiences in the book The Rite: The Making of a Modern Exorcist.

Thomas even spent a week on set advising the director, utilising his experiences of the 100 odd people he had seen possessed in his career.

Just like in the film, Thomas echoes that most people that come to him for an exorcism have been abused in their past, linking mental health issues to demonic attachment. Thomas also has a lot of praise for the film, claiming the way those possessed moved in a serpentine way is accurate to those he has seen:

“I was beginning to do some deliverance prayers. Within a few minutes she began to tremor and her facial countenance began to change. You saw a snake. She began sticking her tongue out like a snake and hissing and rolling her eyes. She coiled herself up.”

- Father Gary Thomas on a possessed Venezualan woman

You can watch this on Amazon Prime for £2.50.

The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6Mm8Sbe__o

Anthony Hopkins refers to a staple horror film - a film with truth spilling like blood from a bloated corpse…

This psychological horror sees an FBI trainee as they work with an imprisoned serial killer to hunt down a murderer, Buffalo Bill. Add in just a dash of transphobia and we arrive at the film that made my parents actually walk out of the cinema when they first saw it.

First, let’s talk about Hannibal Lecter and his role as an advisor to the FBI: this has actually happened, using a seasoned killer to catch another. The most famous example of this is none other than Ted Bundy, one of the most infamous in history. Bundy told investigators to stake out the graves of victims or the places where bodies had been dumped as necrophiles like himself would return to the site.

Bundy actually helped them catch Gary Ridgeway who killed an estimated 90 people.

Now let’s turn to Buffalo Bill. The characters were never directly inspired by real people but their crimes were. He was an amalgamation of other crimes with Ed Gein serving as the main inspiration. Ed Gein, most known for skinning his victims and wearing the skins, took 9 lives and would also inspire the character Norman Bates.

He would make clothing out of body parts, make soup bowls from dug-up skulls, and build chairs from human bones.

Ted Bundy even made another appearance in Buffalo Bill’s character in terms of how he lures his victims, acting hurt and helpless until the victim was just within reach.

You can buy this film on Amazon Prime for £8.

Scream (1996)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWm_mkbdpCA

This satirical slasher redefined the genre, putting comedy firmly into horror as we know it. It follows Sidney Prescott, a preppy high school student, as she navigates high school drama and a rampant serial killer.

Just like The Silence Of The Lambs, the crimes witnessed in Scream had basis in reality. Daniel Rolling - the Gainesville Ripper - was an American serial killer who murdered 5 students in Florida within the short span of 4 days back in 1990.

Rolling would sexually assault, rape, threaten, and kill his young victims before leaving them in ‘sexual’ positions. He even decapitated one of those murdered and left the head on the shelf opposite the rest of the body amongst other vile acts. He later claimed his motive was to become a ‘superstar’ like Ted Bundy.

Yeah, that’s enough of that.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime for £2.50.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977/2006)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUQd9OB75dw

It’s time to hear about another vacay gone cray-cray. In the middle of a roadtrip to California, a family’s car breaks down in a mysterious area closed off to the public and they encounter a strange community of cannibals.

Instead of being based on modern crimes that hit far too close to home, this film is based on a historic event - or the legend of Sawney Bean.

Bean was a mythical leader of a cannibalistic group of insurgents in the 16th century. He grew up in a community of witches and later began his own community full of his children which he expanded with rampant incest. They would leave traps and eat their prey in a cave.

The King of Scotland, James VI, even led a team to root the family out of their lair. According to legend they were burnt at the stake while others were hung.

This tale also bears similarities to urban legends from Russia: there is a trope in the Southern Urals which claims after the Chernobyl accident irradiated peoples would become savage peoples, echoing the nuclear testing themes shown by the film.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime for £2.50.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1978)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKn9QIaMgtQ

In this cult class gore-fest we see a group of friends visit an old homestead but instead run into a family of murderous cannibals.

Yet again the crimes of Ed Gein make an appearance. The friends walk in on a home full of furniture made of human remains and meet a man - Leatherface - wearing a mask made of human skin. We also witness various people butchered in different brutal ways.

But this film also has a more political inspiration. Tobe Hooper - the director, producer, and writer - pinned his inspiration on changes in the cultural and political landscape, focusing on misinformation that overran America during the 70s.

*looks into camera a la Jim from The Office*

Hooper pinned the claims of a true story onto the film, responding to how he felt he was being lied to by the government regarding things like Watergate, the 1973 Oil Crisis, and the Vietnam War. The news only confirmed the brutal acts of humanity.

"man was the real monster here, just wearing a different face, so I put a literal mask on the monster in my film".

You can watch this for free on Amazon Prime.

Well that was, uhh, fun?

If you enjoyed these traumatic discoveries - you know, that some of the most terrifying horror films of all time are based on real people and crimes - then make sure you like ‘n’ reblog to let me know.

I post a new article on horror and the paranormal every Saturday + a new real ghost story everyday so make sure you hit follow to tag along for the ride!

[ravs6709]

These Feelings Inside (How Deep Do They Go)

Chapter 3- Too Many Questions

Masterlist. Previous. Next chapter.

Read on ao3.

Let's go! Chapter 3 of the fic for the @kotlc2021collab !

I had larger plans for this chapter tbh, but I ended up stretching one of the scenes, so the chapter became very long (over 3k words). It was fun though!

Uh, warnings. (Censored) swearing, Sophie thinking about what would have happened to her if there wasn't a siren lure (the thought isn't completed, but still). I don't think there's anything else?

Anyways, enjoy!

•~•~•~•~•~•

Sophie woke to a feeling of intense cold. Heavy rain was pouring.

Wait, where am I?

The rain made it hard to see her surroundings, but it didn't take long for her to figure out that she was outside, in a beach-like setting. She wasn't on the mainland- she was on a mini-island with a small cave.

What happened?

She tried to think about what had happened earlier. She remembered Fitz backing away, and her needing to go outside for air. But what happened after that? How did she end up here?

Breathe. You need to breathe.

She took long, deep breaths. She was in an unfamiliar place, and if she let panic overtake her now, it'd only make things worse.

Okay, first things first. It's raining and there's a cave. You should go dry off.

She moved to go inside the cave, only to nearly step on a person. Wait, a person?

On closer inspection, the person was pale, and had messy blond hair. They were somewhat slender, yet still muscular and- 

"Holy sh*t!" Sophie shrieked, because she finally properly took in the revelation that there was someone else on the island with her.

How did they get here? Then again, she didn't even know how she got there either. How long were they there? Were they… were they dead? She vaguely remembered the feeling of falling. Maybe she managed to survive unscathed, but what if this person wasn't so lucky?

Check if they're alive. One thing at a time.

She looked at them, and found it weird that they didn't have a shirt on.

Don't get distracted!

They seemed to be breathing, but just to make sure, she put a hand to their neck to check their pulse. She sighed in relief when she could feel it easily.

"Uh… hello?" she called out. "Hello?"

They didn't stir. Were they unconscious? Her first instinct was to put water on them, only to once again remember that it was raining. If that didn't wake them up, she wasn't sure what would.

"Are you okay?" she asked once more.

She didn't know if poking them would be a good idea. She looked back towards the mainland. It didn't seem too far- however swimming wasn't particularly Sophie's strong suit. It was either swim, or wait and just hope that somehow the two of them would be found. Who knows how long that would take though? It would have to take at least a day.

What are mom and dad gonna say if I get home so late? What about Biana and Fitz? They'd be concerned, right?

She thought about Fitz again. Would he… how long would it take him to notice that I wasn't there?

Sophie turned back towards the person, who was still lying unconscious. 

"Okay," she murmured to herself. "I'm going to swim, and then I'll get some help. That doesn't seem too hard, right?"

As she made her way to the water, there was a groan. She whirled around again, and saw that the person was moving. Their eyes fluttered open, then focused on her. Or well, their gaze altered between looking at her chest and legs?

"What the f*ck?" she asked. "Stop staring at me!"

They hummed, then stood up, their legs trembling. The action reminded her of a baby making its first steps.

"Careful!" she said, rushing over to help them when they tripped over their feet.

"Okay sweetheart," they said, flashing a grin at her. Then their gaze flicked towards her chest. "Would you mind explaining what's going on?"

Sweetheart? Also why are they staring at me like that!?

"Who are you calling sweetheart?" she grumbled, pushing them away from her. "My name is Sophie Foster. So use my name. And quit staring at me."

They didn't look offended at all, they only smirked and Sophie felt like she was about to regret everything. "Okay, Foster. Why are you here?"

"I fell and washed up here?" she replied, trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice because they called her 'Foster.' "Aren't you concerned as to why you're here? Are you okay?"

They shrugged. "I know why I'm here, I'm not sure as to why you're here. You shouldn't be." They gazed down again, and she had the urge to hit him because that was really uncomfortable.

But she resisted that urge, and only raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean? It's not like you know me."

They sighed. "Can't you tell that something's wrong? Your heart's still glowing."

"What do you mean my heart is glowing?" Was that why they kept looking at her like that?

"Look… come in the water, I need to see something. Something's wrong."

She had no idea what they were talking about, but she followed them to the water. Before they could get there though, they tripped. 

"Next time I see ver, I'm telling ver that walking is overrated," they grumbled, before getting up and continuing.

"That's the second time you fell over," she remarked. "You sure you're okay?"

They turned around to face her. "Aww, you worried about me, Foster?" Then they winked.

She had two very conflicting reactions to that. On one hand, they seemed a little cocky, and the flirting wasn't really helping. On the other, they were attractive, and she hated the fact that she noticed that. Their ice blue were sparkling, and the messy blond hair only made them look better. (She was very consciously trying to ignore the fact that they were shirtless).

Focus on something else! Like… like how I've been able to hold a conversation. Or literally anything else. 

"For someone who was bothered by me staring at them, you sure have been staring at me for a long time."

"Look, I-"

"Never mind, we don't have time for this." They grabbed her wrist, pulling her into the water. 

Because the action was so abrupt, she tripped over her feet, and fell. She opened her eyes and tried to surface, but there was something off about her legs. She could feel down there, but her body refused to separate, as if glued together. 

Why can't I- why can't I move?

"You can breathe, Foster," the stranger told her. "You're not going to drown."

Before her mind can tell her that actually, that is exactly how you drown, her body took a breath. Strangely, it felt okay.

No longer fearing that she was going to drown, she was able to notice her surroundings. Her vision was clear, just as good as it was on land (which was weird). She saw the stranger, and again, their eyes were looking down at her legs. 

She was about to yell at them, until she finally realized something. They had a tail. It was ice blue, matching the shade of their eyes. 

"Uh, what is happening?" she blurted. "Why do you have a tail?"

To her surprise, they laughed. Then they gestured to her. "You should look at yourself first."

Sophie looked down, and instead of seeing legs, she saw a tail similar to the stranger's. Instead of blue, it was a bright red.

"What the f*ck!?"

What was happening? Seeing the tail on the stranger was shocking, but in a way, it wasn't that surprising. Sophie had been a very large fan of mermaids, and had gone through a time of her life where she had wished that they were real. She was still a fan of them and wanted for them to be real, but after her life had gotten better, that desire had lessened.

So if she happened to meet a person who happened to be washed up on an island, it wouldn't be too surprising that they were somehow a merperson. 

The true question was- why did she have a tail?

"What did you do to me?" she yelled.

They swam a little closer. "Foster, I-"

"Stay away from me!" she screamed, thrusting her arms forward to push them back.

The water distorted, and then they were launched backwards. They recovered quickly, moving with ease.

"What did I just do?" she demanded, because she just pushed the water. "What is going on?"

"Look Foster, before I can explain, I need you to take a few breaths. Your heart is flashing too much and it's drawing attention. You're too overwhelmed."

"Well I wonder why!" she snapped. "It's not like I'm suddenly a mermaid or something!"

"First off, you're a siren." 

"Well thanks, that helps a lot," she muttered.

"Second, sirens can see the hearts of other humans. For some reason, I can still see your heart, and it's flashing all sorts of colours right now. The last thing that we need is for you to draw too much attention." Their tone was slow, and any of the humor or confusion was gone. "I don't expect you to understand, I just need you to be calm enough to listen. Can you breathe?"

They didn't approach her this time, giving her some space. She took a couple of deep breaths. "Okay, please explain."

"It's going to be a lot to take in. Are you going to be okay?"

Sophie shrugged. "I'll try my best."

"Okay, I'll get started. Right now, we're sirens. We're not quite what you hear in the stories. Being a siren is both a blessing and a curse. How this all works, it's a cycle. A human has a broken heart, a siren has the power to seek out those broken hearts. A siren makes the offer for the human to let go of their life, and the human agrees. The siren becomes a human, and the human becomes a siren. Does that make sense?" They had used their hands to make motions in the water, which helped out a lot.

"I think? Why are sirens seeking out broken hearts?"

"It's not fun being a siren. We lose our memories of our human life. For the most part, we just swim in the water alone. There aren't many of us, and even if we do find someone, we're not meant to stay with each other for long. It's a life of isolation. Becoming a human again is the only way to escape."

"Oh," she murmured. "The heartbroken person hears the offer, and accepts it, because they want to escape from their pain, right?"

They nodded. "Exactly. Are you starting to remember what happened now?"

There was some gap between her being outside, her falling, and then being washed onto the shore. "Remember what?"

"You had a broken heart. Did someone you love try to abandon you?"

No, she told herself. Don't think about that again.

"That doesn't matter. Continue."

They paused, as if trying to consider how to phrase what they were going to say next. "I'm a siren. You were a human with a broken heart."

It finally sank in. "You tried to turn me into a siren. Except… this happened."

I was heartbroken enough to the point of throwing my life away.

"Yeah, kinda, but to be fair, our siren song is designed to make your feelings worse." 

What if there was no siren to lure me? What would I have done? Could I have… could I have-

"Foster, neither of us knows what happened earlier. Whatever you're thinking, I doubt that's the case. I don't know what happened, but you managed to not be turned completely. Doesn't that matter?"

She blinked, then took in the words. "How did you-"

"A heart glows different colours based on different emotions. I don't see fear often, and it's honestly kind of stressing me out."

"Do you know how to change me back?"

"Not until you can figure out why the curse didn't affect you fully."

She crossed her arms. "Did you just say 'you'? This is your fault, and now you're leaving me to deal with the consequences?"

"Well, my plan was to just kiss you and leave!"

"You kissed me?"

Their eyes widened and laughed nervously. "Well, that's how you initiate the exchange. It's not like I remember it much."

She backed away a little bit.

They sighed. "Look Foster, it's not like we get a choice. You can have a whole debate about the issues of the situation, or you can go try and figure this out."

"Again. You're leaving me to do this? We are going to figure this out. You've been a siren, and you said that sirens lose their memories, right? You wouldn't have a home then." She paused, swam forward a bit, then added, "You should come live with me."

"You want me to come live with you?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I mean, that way we can work together. And you're going to need a home. We should go, my parents are going to be worried. Oh crap, what do I tell them?"

"You live with your parents?"

"Yeah, I do. I don't have any plans on moving out either, I help them with work. I don't want to make them worry, so I'm going to have to make an excuse as to why you're living with us."

"Can't you just say that a distant family member reached out?"

"That won't work. Let's head back, and hope that by then I can think of something. Okay… wait, do you have a name?"

"Sirens don't know their identity, so we choose our own. My name's Keefe, I once heard from someone that it means 'handsome'."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course you'd choose a name that means that. Do you have pronouns? Mine's she/her."

"I use they/them."

"Okay, we should actually go now."

It took a little while to figure out how to move properly, and to be honest, it was a much needed distraction from everything that was now going on.

"You know Foster, how did you plan on getting back home? Swimming?" Keefe asked once they reached the mainland.

"Uh, yeah? It's not like it took long," Sophie replied, checking to make sure that there was no around before getting out of the water. "I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually miss having legs."

"Well I don't," they muttered, slowly making steps, their legs trembling. "How do people manage this? I'm freezing!"

She was about to make a somewhat mocking reply, before she realized that it was cold. The temperature was already quite low, and the rain- that had just recently subsided to a light drizzle- didn't make things better.

"You'll be fine with walking, right?"

"Don't worry Foster, I can walk. It'll just take me a bit to adjust, just like you had to adjust to swimming."

"Yeah yeah. Oh, you should probably take my sweater, it'll be weird if you walk around shirtless, and my dad will definitely be suspicious if he sees you like this."

"It won't be weird if I'm wearing your sweater?"

She shrugged. "Not like I have any other choice." She took off her sweater and gave it to them. It was a little small on them, but not as bad as she thought it was going to be.

"Okay, let's go."

Sophie was bad with directions, but she was lucky that she recognized the area. So, it didn't take too long to find the flower shop. Since the back entrance was closer, that was where she went. It only took a few seconds after she knocked for the door to open.

"Sophie!" Edaline called out, immediately hugging her. 

Sophie hugged her back, and heard more footsteps. Grady came running, a relieved expression on his face. He wrapped his arms around the both of them, putting them in a warm, protected embrace.

After it was over, Grady asked, "Sophie, who's this?"

She turned to where Grady was pointing to, momentarily forgetting that Keefe was there.

Oh, I completely forgot to make an excuse.

"That's my friend Keefe!" she told them. She knew that wasn't going to be enough, so she mustered the courage to make eye contact with Edaline (she would be less skeptical about her excuse, so Sophie would be less stressed about worrying whether they could see through her lies or not). 

"They're a friend I made online. I went out for some air today, and came across them. They don't really have a home to stay in, so I offered to let them live with us."

There, that (mostly) wasn't a lie.

"They don't have anything on them, but they'd be willing to work in the shop. Right Keefe?"

She turned towards them, half hoping that she could telepathically tell them to agree. 

They nodded. "Yeah, I'll help out."

"I'm sorry that you're in a situation like this," Edaline said.

"We're willing to let them live with us," Grady continued. "We'll have to deal with the issue of having a piece of identification, if we wanted to pay them-"

"Put whatever you pay me in Foster's name. It'll be easier that way."

Sophie turned back towards her parents, and saw that they were sharing a look (it reminded her of the way that they would look at each other whenever Jolie was indirectly brought up, back when Sophie had only just learned of her.

"Okay, we can do that for now. Now, the both of you should come inside, you're drenched. Eda, get some towels."

They went inside, and Sophie noticed that Keefe was staring around in awe. She walked up to him. 

"It's a flower shop," she whispered to them. "That's what you'll be helping out with. They'll probably not ask too many questions now, but there'll be more in the morning. Got it?"

"Got it. Also, are there supposed to be more peo-"

"Okay, we should be good," Biana's voice echoed through the shop. "We'll go looking for- Sophie! You're back!"

Sophie turned towards her, just in time to see Biana run up towards her.

"Are you in the mood for a hug- oh… you're drenched. Is everything alright?"

"Biana?" she murmured. You're… here… what about-

The sound of even more footsteps jolted her from her thoughts, and she looked and saw Fitz. Before she could say anything else, he ran up to her. She could see his face much more clearly, his eyes looked red, and his hair was a mess. Had he been crying?

"Sophie, I'm so glad that you're back," he whispered.

"Everything was fine though!" She hoped that her voice would be believable, but the sudden proximity and the words he spoke were making it harder to think.

"You can tell us what happened, but you and your friend should get changed," he said.

Sophie took Keefe upstairs, and found some of Fitz's clothes and gave those to them so they could get changed.

"Oh, they're a bit big on you," Sophie remarked after they both finished. Fitz was taller, and had more weight.

They stretched casually. "They're comfy. Your crush has good taste."

She sputtered. "What?"

Keefe smirked. "Really Foster, do you seriously think that I couldn't tell based on the way you two were staring into each other's eyes? Besides, your heart was glowing pink. That usually means love."

"Look-"

"Yeah yeah, I'll behave. You gotta go tell them that story again. Seriously though, what a lame story."

"I'm really bad at being put on the spot, alright? I had to make it believable!"

"Well, can't do anything about it now. I just have to roll with it."

They went back down, and she once again explained her excuse as to what had happened, and why Keefe was with her. It was easier to explain this time, because she now had the story in her head. All she had to do was make sure that she didn't contradict herself.

"So, Keefe's staying here?" Biana asked. "Okay, I'll go show them around. Come on Keefe!"

Sophie watched in amusement as Biana grabbed Keefe's arm and pulled them up the stairs, the blond protesting about "being able to walk by myself."

"Are you hungry?" Edaline asked. "Do you want us to take out dinner for you?"

"That would be nice, thank you." Now that it was mentioned, Sophie did feel hungry.

Both her parents went to the kitchen to reheat the meal, and now it was just her and Fitz in the room. 

"I know that it's more complicated than what you said," Fitz whispered, taking her hands in his. "You don't normally go out for a walk by yourself unless you're upset. I'm sorry that I didn't notice it when I was the last person to see you."

I felt bad because you left. I thought you didn't want to be my friend anymore. But... you're still here.

She didn't want to worry him though, so she kept quiet.

"If Keefe gives you trouble, or if something's wrong, you can tell me, okay?"

"It'll be fine. But okay, I'll tell you if it's not."

And things would be fine. They'd have to be.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Taglist- @keefeinnit @impostertamsong @my-swan-song @subrosasteath @tiergan-andrin-alenefar

Want to be added/removed from the taglist? Just let me know! (You can also specify whether if for all kotlc fics or just this one story)

[atmilliways]

On the 10th day of Dethmas this writer gives to thee…

Dec 22 - Metalocalypse but it's a cheesy Hallmark holiday movie

He’s a big city notary, only in town to clean out his deceased grandparents’ condo.

He’s a small-town metalhead pot dealer/part time taxi service with no one to hang out with for the holidays.

Is it fate, or is it Christmas?

Chapter one of a Murderface/Pickles, what-if-Dethklok-never-happened AU. I went heavy on Pickles' accent for this and I refuse to apologize for my crimes.

~

Deck The Halls With Ughs & F*ck Yous

When you boiled it down to the bare essentials, the first half of the letter basically said, “Merry Christmas, your grandparents are dead.” 

Which, William felt, was kind of nice of the lawyer writing to him. He hadn’t liked his grandparents particularly much, for all that they’d raised him ever since the unfortunate murder-suicide that had claimed his parents. Everything he’d accomplished in life had been in spite of them. They’d wanted him to be a hubcap salesman like his grandfather; he’d gotten his notary license and done just fine. They’d wanted him to stay in the same kind of podunk towns they always lived in; he’d gone to the big city and landed a steady career notarizing deeds and titles for a huge real estate company. All they’d done was yell at him to make sure was still alive for seventeen years. Anyone could have done that. 

It was the second half of the letter that was the problem. Apparently they’d had no money to leave him, just all the crap in a condo that needed to be emptied out by the end of the year so the next owners could move in. If he didn’t, there would be a ridiculously large fine due of some truly idiotic wording in the lease they’d signed. 

A quick check online told him it would be cheaper to just fly out to this . . . Tomahawk, Wisconsin, throw all the shit in a dumpster, and be done with it. He had a couple weeks of vacation time coming up anyway, with Christmas and New Years, and no particular plans. Why not go? Maybe it would be . . . cathartic or something. 

William sighed and reached to grab a credit card from his wallet. So much for a quiet Christmas to himself, holed up in his  blissfully undecorated apartment with takeout from one of the best sushi places in the entire city. 

~

Tomahawk was pretty much what he expected. Once he made it out of the four-gate airport with a baggage claim so slow that it might have been faster to  walk  instead of fly, it turned out there wasn’t even a taxi queue. He had to go back inside and call one himself. And it wasn’t so much a taxi service as something called “Pickles Cab” scratched in above the payphone.

As long as it had wheels and knew how to find the address, he didn’t much care. The dispatch guy had seemed kinda stoned on the phone, but hey, William figured, that just meant he might be able to find some to buy in the area. 

The car was easy to spot because it was the only non-white thing moving in the snow-caked parking lot. William eyed the shitty old Vista Cruiser in shades of drab green, rust, and beat-to-shit wood paneling skeptically as it pulled up to the loading zone curb at an angle that was, frankly, terrible. The driver put it in park and popped out the driver’s side door with the engine still running, spewing thick steam out of the tailpipe in the frigid air. 

“Hey dood, welcome to Wiscahnsin,” the guy called, waving. “Abandon hope all ye to enter here, heh.” He smirked. William recognized his voice as the person he’d talked to on the phone.

“Uh . . . hi,” William replied awkwardly, hefting his two suitcases, 

“Trunks open. Lemme get it fer ya.” The driver hurried around to the back of the car and opened it for William to toss the suitcases in. He had a shock of red hair trying to escape from his black beanie in all directions, and park-job aside seemed slightly less stoned in person than he sounded. “Wanna sit up front? It’s warmer up here, I’ve had the heat blastin’ all the way here . . . uh, just let me clear some shit out first.”

‘Some shit’ seemed to be a lot of empty bottles and cans and snack wrappers, but William waited patiently because it’s not like this place had any actual taxis he could call instead. When he did climb in and buckle his seatbelt, at least it was warm, as promised, even if it did smell like pot and stale beer. 

The driver popped back in, stripped the glove off one hand, and rubbed at his nose above a vivid red goatee before grabbing the wheel, “Okey, here we go. I’m Pickles, what’s yer name?”

“William Murderfasche,” William replied. What kind of a name was Pickles? But . . . it did explain the name of the ‘cab’ company. 

“Murderface, that’s a fuckin’ cool name. Mind if I just call ya that?”

“. . . Sure.”

“Cool. So dood, Murderface, where to?”

William gave him the address. The car pulled away from the airport with a jerk and he stared out the window at passing snow banks and white-shrouded trees, starting to sink into all his misgivings about the decision to come out here. There was a certain smell that developed anywhere his grandparents inhabited for long enough that he hadn’t realized until moving out on his own kept him in a near-constant state of upset stomach. 

“Hope ya don’t mind there ain’t no radio,” Pickles told him companionably, not appearing to mind when William didn’t react. “Tape deck’s broken too. . . . I’m tryin’ ta save up the money to fix it by givin’ people rides and shit. And doin’ some other stuff too, but don’t tell the cops, heh. All the local stations are pretty much shit anywey, all they’re playin’ right now is fuckin’ Christmas songs.”

“Hm,” William agreed. 

“What kinda music you listen to?”

“Hm. Uh, what? Oh, schorry. Moschtly metal, I guessch.” He shrugged, shaking himself out of the funk he’d been about to sink into. Usually he would prefer to just be left to his own thoughts, but right now the chit chat was actually a welcome distraction. “It’sch good background muschic for conschentrating on not thinking.”

“Hey dood, me too!” In his enthusiasm, Pickles gunned the engine and sent the car into a brief skid on the wintery road, but corrected it with an ease that spoke to lots of practice. “There’s naht much of a metal scene here, fuckin’ sucks. What else am I supposed to get fucked up to, huh? People jest don’t get that. Is it any better where you live?”

William, braced for impact as he now was and would probably remain for the rest of the ride, shrugged again. “I don’t know. I moschtly keep to myschelf, but there are plenty of schtoresch that have deschent schtuff, if you’re willing to schort through all the other crap.”

“Well, cool. Hey if you wanna hang out at all while yer here, I got a pretty good collection on vinyl. Y’know, if you don’t have family shit to do. I’m avoiding mine due to sort of a . . . landlord tenant dispute. They won’t let me put a lock on the house-door to my basement-room, so I’ve got it barricaded and stopped payin’ rent, and now Mahm won’t let me eat anything she cooks. But it’s cool, I’ve gaht an exterior door so I can still get in’n out.”

It took a moment to digest all that, but William noted the invitation with the tentative optimism of a guy who’d moved a lot as a kid but never quite gotten the hang of making friends as a survival method. 

But he was only planning to be in town for a few days, get the condo cleaned out ASAP, and go home, never to return. Not a lot of point in making friends. 

“Thanksch, but I probably won’t have time.” He wasn’t looking directly at Pickles, but he saw the driver’s smile drop a few watts out of the corner of his eye. Feeling bad for the guy, he quickly added, “Schoundsch like you’ve got a pretty good schet-up, though.”

“Eh . . . it’s alright.”

The conversation petered out after that, and William had no idea how to get it going again. He’d always been shit at this sort of thing. Looking back, it was probably a miracle that he’d stuck through high school long enough to graduate, having alienated, avoided, or accidentally insulted enough of his peers that virtually no one on campus had ever willingly spoken to him. The only social group he’d ever successfully infiltrated was the lunchtime stoners that hung out in the park across the street, and that was because they’d mostly just sat around passing joints, trying to blow smoke rings, and napping before having to face sixth period. 

Eventually Pickles put his turn signal on and announced, "Here we go, Christmas Mountain Avenue. Sheesh, that's a little on the nose, huh?"

Privately William agreed, but awkwardly swallowed the chuckle before it could make itself heard. As they pulled up in front of the building, he peered out the window at the gray, shitty condo building and felt his lip curl. Fuck, there was a fridge in there full of rotting food and cans of condensed milk that he was going to have to deal with somewhere in there, he just knew it. 

“Is this where yer staying?” Pickles asked dubiously. 

“No,” William said with a shudder. “Thisch isch juscht the . . . family schit I’m here to deal with. My grandparentsch died and I have to clean out their plache by the end of the month.”

“Ooh.” Scratching thoughtfully at his goatee, he leaned forward to get a better look at the building. “. . . You know, the nearest motel is a ten minute walk and it’s gettin’ dark soon. Yer gonna want a ride, prahbably.”

William blinked. “Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.”

Pickles made a show of looking thoughtful. “So . . . want any help? I gaht reeeeal reasonable rates.”

“Well. . . .”

“And I’ve gaht weed, too,” he added. 

“Done,” William said immediately. 

Well. At least the ordeal would probably be over with sooner this way, and also a lot less horrible with something to blunt the edges (and cover the Smell).

[luccislegs]

Hiiiiii, it's been a while since I've send a request. Can I request Law and Kid fallen in love to a mermaid? ｡◕‿◕｡♥️

small warning for mild language. courtesy of kid.

law:

He meets you on his trip through Fishman Island. He’s definitely not intending to have a mermaid join the crew, but you’re so fascinated by his sub that whenever he or the others work on it, you’re right there, eager to learn. And something about your overeagerness and interest warms him to you.

The sub really took a battering on the trip to the island, plus with the log pose needing to be reset, they’re there for a while. Supplies are hard to come by, and after they meet you he realizes how lucky they are. You know exactly where to go to get the supplies they need and because you’re a local, they’re more willing to help out.

The second night they’re there, Law can’t sleep. Not unusual, but he’s also never been on an island that’s so hostile to people. He can’t blame them but he doesn’t want to have to hurt anyone if he can help it. He pretends it’s just him, but he knows it’s because if he did, you would get backlash and you’ve been so kind to them…

As he wanders through the streets, he sees you. Before he can call out to you, you catch sight of him and smile widely, waving your arm above your head. He smiles slightly and stops, waiting for you to reach him. 

“Hi, Law. What’re you doing out so late?” you ask, falling into step beside him. 

Law hums, looking up towards the dark bubble surrounding Fishman Island, forgetting for a moment he can’t see the sky from the depths of the ocean. “Just taking a walk. What about you, ___-ya?”

“Oh, I was just going to get some dinner. I spent so much time on the sub I forgot to eat,” you answer, pointing to a restaurant a little ways down the street. “Have you eaten anything?”

No, and he had no intentions of eating either, but you’re smiling so adorably at him that he can’t actually refuse you. “No. Mind if I join you?”

If possible, your smile widens and you nod, grabbing his arm and leading him to the restaurant.

The next day, you’re back. And the day after that, and the day after that. Until it’s the last day. They’ll be leaving in the morning, and Law can see that you’re feeling down. Since the first day, he’s met up with you a few times. You’ve taken him all over Fishman Island and wormed your way into his heart with your infectious smile and enthusiasm. On the last night, he seeks you out instead of the other way around, largely because you aren’t where he usually meets you.

He remembers there’s some place you mentioned going to when you feel low, so he makes his way there, getting lost a few times along the way. As soon as he reaches the place, he finds you sitting on a bench, watching multitudes of fish swim back and forth outside the bubble. You’re wearing a pensive look, a frown on your usually smiling face.

He sits beside you without saying anything, and the silence stretches on until it’s almost unbearable. Just as he opens his mouth to say something, you turn to him. Your eyes are glittering with unshed tears, and his heart tugs in his chest. In his typical fashion, he ignores it, pushing it down as nothing more than anxiety about leaving tomorrow. 

But he can’t ignore it when you lean into him, hiding your face in his shoulder. Your soft fingers wrap around his as you whisper how much you’re going to miss him. There’s an annoying clenching in his stomach at your words, and his head swims a little as he acknowledges that he’s going to miss you too. With a heavy sigh he wraps his arm around you, intertwining his fingers with yours.

“Can I come with you? Law, please, I want to see the world,” you say, still into his shoulder. Your heart is pounding in your chest as you wait for his answer, expecting a refusal and rejection of your feelings. You’re laying your heart on the line with one of the Worst Generation, not known for their generosity or pleasantness, but Law is so different from what you’ve been told. He’s quiet and distant, but you know underneath his hard shell he’s warm and caring. You’ve seen glimpses of it, and you’ve fallen for him hard because of it.

“I…don’t know if that’s a good idea, ___-ya,” he answers, resting his chin on your head. He’s got plans in the works, and he doesn’t want to hurt you. It might be better for you to stay here, where you’ll be safe. It’ll hurt for a while, but you’ll eventually get over him.

“I see,” you say, but instead of pulling away, you curl closer. You haven’t looked up at him yet, but he can tell by your hoarse voice that you’ve begun crying. It hurts, but you aren’t going to force him to take you along if he doesn’t want you. 

But you aren’t going to let your night become any worse, so you stay with him until the city starts to rouse. You’ve dozed off in his arms, and when he shakes you awake, you look up at him with bleary eyes.

“I’ve got to leave, ___-ya,” he whispers, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. He can see the glittery hint of tears again and sighs, pressing his head against your forehead. “Please, it’s for your own good. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“How could I, if you’re there?” you whisper back, tilting your head back enough that your nose brushes his. You’re so close now that you can feel his breath on your lips, and he doesn’t seem interested in pulling back. His eyes are half lidded, boring into yours.

“I can’t promise I will be, ___-ya. I have something I need to do, and I intend to send the crew on ahead of me. I don’t even know if I’ll survive.”

Your breath hitches and the tears spill over but you still answer him. “Then I’ll wait. I know you’ll come back, Law. But I don’t want to wait here. Please.”

“Stubborn brat,” he whispers, just before his lips cover yours. Your fingers clench in the back of his shirt, pressing yourself against his chest. There’s a certain anxiety in agreeing to bring you, because he isn’t sure he’s capable of caring for you the way you need while he goes on his mission for revenge. But a greater part of him, a selfish part that’s weak for you, makes him give in. Even if it isn’t for long, he wants you at his side and waiting for his return. 

Maybe you’ll give him a reason to survive.

kid:

In typical Kid fashion, his entrance into Fishman Island is made with a bang. Right off the bat, he’s intimidating and a little rude, but something about them draws your attention. Maybe it’s his fiery red hair or his equally fiery attitude, but you find a way to make yourself useful to them by showing them to the nearest bar. 

The patrons inside fall silent when you enter with your newfound friends before breaking out into soft whispers as you pass. You know making friends with humans is usually taboo, but you choose to ignore that this time. Killer is the one that invites you to stay, and you float in your air bubble beside the table, listening to Kid and Killer banter back and forth and tell stories about their adventures. They sound grand and you’re enraptured.

Over the course of the next few days, they grow used to your presence. They can’t quite figure out your fascination with them, but Kid feels a certain pride that he’s attracted a mermaid. He doesn’t care for– or about– the looks he garners when he’s with you, but slowly it begins to concern him how they’re going to treat you when they leave. 

In the meantime, you show them all over Fishman Island. King Neptune comes down from his palace once to pass through the streets, and you reign Kid in from making a total ass of himself, impressing even himself. He’s a little weirded out at how easily he listened to you, and then it dawns on him he might actually be developing feelings for you. At first, he passes it off as just an interest in a pretty mermaid, then just lust, until he finally accepts that he actually might like you.

It’s the final day and you’re hanging around again, but you’re also moping. Heat and Killer have been trying to cheer you up for hours, telling you all about how they’ll come back and see you, but that only seems to be making it worse.

Finally, when Kid sees you turn away and swipe at your eyes, he tells the other two to f*ck off and approaches you himself. Taking your shoulders, he turns you to face him.

You look up into an apathetic face, his mouth drawn into a grimace. The tears that had started to fall are quickly wiped away, and apology spilling from your lips for being so weak.

He scoffs, cupping your chin in his hand and turning your face up to him again. “Have you considered coming with us? It’d be pretty neat to have a mermaid aboard.”

There’s something strange about his voice. It lacks the usual confidence, and his normal smirk is still absent. He’s frowning in an uncharacteristic way as he stares down at you, like he wants to say something more but he can’t.

He can’t figure out how to explain how deeply you’ve crawled under his skin. You’re so happy and sweet, but the way you don’t let him railroad you is attractive to him. He hasn’t seen you fight, doesn’t even know if you can, but he doesn’t care. He’ll train you to defend yourself when he can’t be around to protect you, that’s no problem. Words and emotions aren’t his strong suit, so he goes for his usual tactic.

Your face is still his hands, so he leans down close enough that you have to go cross-eyed to see him, his request whispered against your lips, and you nod. 

An instant later you’re filled with the taste of rum. His tongue delves into your mouth just once before he pulls back, and his lipstick is smeared around his lips. You giggle, covering your mouth with your hands as you realize it’s probably smeared around yours as well, but also out of nervous embarrassment.

“Do you really want me to go with you? It sounds so fun but…I don’t think I’m as strong as you,” you say, resting your hand on his chest.

He smirks as you reveal your kiss swollen lips, stained with traces of his red lipstick. He likes the sight and traces your bottom lip with his thumb. “Of course you aren’t. But I’ll make sure nothing happens to you. I’ll kill anyone who even looks at you wrong, ___.”

A shiver runs up your spine at his words. They’re said with such conviction that you’re sure he means them and it makes you wonder what you’re getting yourself into, but you’re nodding before you realize it.

“Okay, Captain. When do we leave?”

[smokeybrand]

Reap What You Sow

Finally finished Mass Effect Legendary Edition and gearing up for a second run. Before that, though, i wanted to stop and reflect on how well this game holds up, how ell this story is told. I’ve been playing these games since Mass Effect 2 was released on the PS3 over a decade ago and i haven’t regretted even a second of that time spent. I love these games. I loved these titles. And Legendary gave me an opportunity to experience the entire narrative, on one system, with a gorgeous face lift This makes me want Bioware to take another shot at Andromeda because, holy sh*t, can they deliver when they’re not hindered by corporate bullsh*t and it looks like EA is starting to accept that as fact and policy, rather than just the gripes of fans. I love these games and before i get back to it, i wanted to highlight my favorite companions because Mass Effect is nothing without those who run headfirst into the fire with you.

Urdnot Wrex

I hate the first Mass Effect but that’s because i’m a Sony shill so i started wit the best one of the franchise and had to double back. It was a poor experience by comparison but Wrex was f*cking delight. I loved this dude but his time on the throne in 2 and his limited time with the squad in 3 is what that sealed it for me. Uncle Urdnot is a goddamn joy to play with and even more hilarious as an NPC. If you romance Liara, definitely talk to him during the Cure the Genophage mission in 3. You wont regret it.

Aria T’Loak

I’ve been a fan of Aria since the first time she introduced herself in Afterlife. “Don’t f*ck with Aria.” Yeah, she definitely made an impression. Mostly an NPC in the second game, she really came into her in the third. The extended time we spent with her in the Omega DLC was exceptional. I loved that side of her we got to see and, if you play Paragon, you get to see an interesting evolution in her character. Not as dope as getting that awkward kiss at the end but still just as rewarding.

Javik

Good ol’ Prothy the Prothean. I don’t really bring him on missions in 3 but i make sure to check in after every major battle because dude is a f*cking fountain of snark. I do, however, make sure to take him on the Thessia mission because the banter he and Liara have n that temple is very compelling. Their dynamic is one of the highlights in Mass Effect 3 and i absolutely adore that sh*t. It never gets old and it never disappoints. I’ve played this game dozens of times over the years and i have never once deviated from these two, on that mission, since the first time i took them into that battle together. Plus, Javik in the Citadel is a whole ass delight. Make sure to check your bathroom when you wake up the next day. There’s a surprised in there for you!

EDI

EDI is a ray of sunshine in such ire circumstances. Long before she got Eva’s body, EDI was a full member of the Normandy crew. Her banter after becoming unshackled was brilliant in 2 and even more dynamic in 3. Seeing her becoming more and more “alive, over the course of that last title, was a real pleasure and i hated seeing her name on that board at the end. I almost always pick Destruction because that’s the only one where Shepard survives but it’s always a struggle. Me or EDI? My life or Hers? I hate having to make that choice but the time spent with her until that point, is always so much fun.

Urdnot Grunt

Grunt is MY Wrex. He’s the Krogan i was introduced to first and he’s definitely be the one i have the most love toward. I basically raised this dude in-game during 2 and seeing him finally come into his own in 3, is a big moment for those who are as invested in this series as i am. Not only is he an absolute unit on my squad, but the kid is hilarious. Some of the best banter in 3 comes from Grunt and it makes me wish i got to play with him more. Similar to Jack who is definitely going to make an appearance later down this list, you only get fleeting time with him but that time spent hunting Rachni is one of the funniest missions in all of Mass Effect 3.

Miranda Lawson

My darling Cerberus Cheerleader Princess. Miranda is never my first choice on a mission and was, like, my last romance option originally but, upon running threw these titles a decade later, she’s a lot stronger a character than i remember. Seriously, the growth she shows throughout Mass Effect 2 is real and is presented with a proper focus in her driven resolve during her solo mission in 3. Miranda Lawson is one of the most complete, best written characters in the entire franchise and I'm frustrated with myself that it took a whole ass decade to finally see that. Plus, i mean, she got a fat ass, too, so...

Mordin Solus

Listen, I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. Mordin is amazing and if you didn’t feel something when he did what he did in 3, f*ck you.

Kasumi Goto

Oh, Ms. Goto, i do enjoy you so very, very, much. Kasumi is like the mascot of my squad, the ship cat who keeps knocking sh*t of the table. She is an absolute disaster but i still love her anyway. She has some of the best lines in the entire franchise and i dearly missed her snark on my ship in 3. Tat lone mission with the Hanar was not enough time with the galaxy’s best thief but it had to be because Kasumi is nobody’s fool. She was like, “No galactic war with eldritch space horrors for me, sir.” but she made up for it in the Citadel DLC.

Liara T’Soni

Now we’re getting into the meat. Liara is a mainstay in my squad during Mass Effect 3. She is dub overpowered, especially with that Singularity, and i rarely go into a boss fight without it. Beyond her fighting abilities, Liara just has such a sweet relationship with Shepard that spans the entire trilogy. She opted not to be an official part of the team in 2, later taking up the mantle of the Shadow Broker, but more than makes up for that in 3. Liara is a principal character in Mass Effect 3 and her relationship with Shepard in that game, specifically, is fantastic to experience. If you romance her, it’s even more rewarding.

Garrus Vakarian

Garrus is one third of my Death Lineup. He and Tali stay in my squad in 2 and alternate with Liara in 3. Dude is, for lack of a better term, a straight up killer. I’ve only played mShep so i never actually romances Garrus but dude is easily one of the best companions in the entire game. The relation he has with Shepard and the way it develops over those three games, is only topped by one other character and she’s the premier on this list. Garrus is hilarious and a real force in the game but, more than that, he’s arguably Shepards’ best friend and a solid foundation they can rely on as dude shapes the history of an entire galaxy.

Jack

Oh, my darling Jacqueline Night. You were SO close to the top spot on this list and only missed it because you were introduced in the second game. That’s it. Jack is dope, one of the most complete characters in the entire franchise, and definitely a great romance option. I adore this chick for all of the reasons but mostly because of how realized she becomes by the end of 3. Her growth from “Psychotic Biotic” into maternal teacher for a bunch of biotic kids, was a turn i didn’t expect but loved to see. I love Mass Effect 2′s version of Jack, for sure, but her appearance in Mass Effect 3 is head-and-shoulders better than her initial introduction. It hurts we never got to actually got to play with her in an actual fight but her appearances were still outstanding.

Tali’Zorah vas Normandy

Tali is the best f*cking thing about this franchise and I'll fight you to the death over it. Listen, Tali, for me, is best girl, best character, best development, best everything! I adore Tali. She made that first game bearable but really came into her own in the second. By the third, she was the premier supporting character in the entire franchise for me. Literally her and Garrus stay in my party and for good reason. Tali’s romance is so goddamn saccharine that it gave me diabetes but her maturation as that narrative continues is exceptionally written. Being one of two squad mates who has ridden with Shep through the entire trilogy really gives Tali room to grow and it shows. She is the best companion in the game and i almost never leave her behind.

Look, all of the squadmates hold a special place in my heart but these twelve, specifically, always seem to find their way into my onsite shenanigans more often than not. Obviously, just because you didn’t make this list, doesn’t mean you didn’t have your moments and Aria being on here instead of, say, Thane, is not a knock against him at all. Aria was just hilarious and i enjoyed what little time we shared. Everyone on the Normandy is dope and i cannot wait until my next mission to save the galaxy from the Reapers with them. Not Kaidan, though. Never Kaidan. F*ck that guy, specifically.

[badluck990]

My Daemons: Collared & Chained

@badthingshappenbingo

Collared & Chained

Characters: My OCs

TW/CW: Pet whump, Lady Whumpe, Lady Whumper, drugging mention, restraints, swearing warning, starvation

First  Previous

She made sure to work while Ziska was asleep so she wouldn't have drug her. It was either than or deal with her struggling, no thank you.

She removed the muzzle and in its place secured a heavy metal collar around her neck. There, now her mutt looked the part.

She was sure to let her connect after tonight. After all the Daemon knew how important her pride was.

Her captive woke up soon after she was finished and upon finding the muzzle gone started screaming again believing she wouldn’t give her food either way.

"I'm going to kill you when I get out of this! How long do you think you can keep me here before....before Blaze finds me?!" It snapped.

"You hesitated," Storm pointed out not bothering to hide a smirk. "Aw, You're not a complete idiot! You've finally pieced together that the fire lady doesn't care about you!" She laughed

"Shut up!"

"I'd say the same to you. Unless you want the muzzle back on."

Not being able to talk was one thing but with the muzzle gone there was chance she'd be allowed to eat and that wasn't a chance she'd waste! Much to her captor's surprise, she went quiet.

Storm realized pretty quickly what she wanted. "Alright I'll bring you something to eat." She left and came back with a bowl of some sort of meat and put it in front of Ziska without undoing the cuffs keeping her arms behind her.

She wasn't expecting Ziska to essentially say f*ck it and lean down to eat anyway. 

But you don't get this far in anything without having a plan B.

"Wait, wait." She walked over connecting another chain to the collar, this one in the back an again connected it to the floor before disconnecting the one in the front.

She was glad to not be stuck to the ground anymore...…..Until she realized she could no longer lean down to eat....

"Still being ungrateful?" 

- - -

While it wasn’t wise, having the Muzzle off gave her a new found feeling of pride. Yes it was dumb to tell her captive to shut up and throw away her only chance at finally be fed in... Well their isn’t exactly a way to tell time, Storm comes in when she feels like it and doesn’t have a set schedule. Around a week maybe? But her pride was a difficult thing to swallow.

But when she threated to put the muzzle back on if she kept talking she became quiet. Drooling just thinking about the chance of being fed again. It would have been humiliating had she actually been able to lean down and eat but it was better than a connection. And if eating from the ground was what it took to not starve....to have even the smallest chance at survival she'd put away the pride if only briefly. 

She could feel the tears start to roll down her check only for it to be lifted off as Storm made a water bubble and quickly surrounded her head. Storm’s venomous laughter was drowned out both by her captor's water and her own thumping heartbeat as she started to lose consciousness.

Next

[robin-christine]

The Day My Life Began

On June 27, 2018, I tried to commit suicide. This is my story.

I’m thankful that I’m here to tell it.

There was no one specific reason that caused me try to kill myself, rather it was a combination of factors; I was experiencing a major depressive episode at the time, the red flags exhibited by my fiancé who was living with me suddenly surfaced from my subconscious all at once, and I had just begun taking a new anti-depressant I had never taken before. The side effects anti-depressants are ironic; they can actually INCREASE thoughts of depression and suicide, and for the first time in almost 20 years of taking various anti-depressants, I experienced this potentially fatal side effect from the new anti-depressant I had recently begun taking.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your reasoning almost three years later my memories of that day are still few, fragmented and incomplete; I can only remember bits and pieces, and I’m sure those memories didn’t occur in the correct order in reality.

I remember having a screaming match with my (ex)-fiancé, I remember him using my mental illness to insult me, and I remember taking a hammer and destroying my laptop.

I remember going up to my mother’s apartment (at the time we were living in the same building) and screaming at her, likely nothing nice or loving.

I remember emptying an entire month’s worth of medication into a big pile on my bed, swallowing pills by the handful, and then casually thinking ‘what did I just do?’. I remember contemplating vomiting up the pills and then discarding the idea.

I remember going down to the lobby and waiting outside for the ambulance.

I remember yelling at my mother, who had come downstairs and was sitting silently on a bench in the lobby staring at the floor, ignoring my repeated screams of, “What the f*ck is wrong with you? You obviously don’t care I tried to kill myself since you’re sitting there, not saying a f*cking word! You won’t even look at me!”.

I remember getting into the ambulance and talking to the paramedics, but I must have lost consciousness, because the next thing I remember was being in restraints in the ER, screaming and cursing at everyone, and

struggling frantically to break free. All I accomplished was cause severe bruising on both my wrists that took months to heal properly.

I remember overhearing one of the doctors who had helped save my life in the ER say to another doctor as they walked away from my bed, “I hate treating personality disorders. They’re the fucking worst”.

That’s all I remember about June 27, 2018 before I once again lost consciousness, and even after having my stomach pumped with charcoal, I remained that way for the following three days. It didn’t take long before I needed the help of a ventilator to breathe, and at one point the doctors weren’t sure I would make it. My mother told me that she had sat by my bed for those three days, crying silently while stroking my hair, telling me how much she loved me.

On June 30, 2018 I finally regained consciousness.

Again, almost three years later my memories of that day are still few, fragmented and incomplete; I can only remember bits and pieces, and I’m sure what I do remember isn’t in the right order.

I remember seeing my mother and sister sitting next to each other, holding each other’s hands when I opened my eyes. When they realized I was waking up, they both jumped up, my sister ran out the room to get a doctor, and my mother sat down next to me on the bed to hug me as tightly as she could and whisper how much she loved me, crying.

In what could have seconds, minutes, or hours my sister returned, accompanied by a doctor introduced as Dr. Richards, who checked my vitals and conducted the first of numerous psychiatric assessments I would undergo over the next few days.

I spent a total of seven days in the hospital, including the three days that I was unconscious. Once I regained consciousness, I was assessed physically, psychiatrically and psychologically daily during the remaining four days I was hospitalized. I had blood taken so often that the nurses ran out of veins from which they could get blood; my veins are very small, difficult to find, and collapse easily, so as a result I had numerous bruises all over my hands and arms. Combined with the bruises on my wrists I gave myself trying to free myself from the restraints when I was in the ER, they served as a reminder of what I had done for months as they slowly healed.

During those four days I was forbidden by the doctors from being alone, and had caregivers watching me 24/7. When my mother and sister would visit the caregiver would leave the room so we could talk privately, but as soon as they left, the caregiver returned. Originally I wasn’t even allowed to close the door to the bathroom in my private room, but after my first psychiatric assessment by Dr. Richards, he gave the caregivers permission to allow me to close the door, but not to lock it.

The psychiatrists who assessed me ended up re-diagnosing me almost completely; for years I had been diagnosed as Bipolar and had been prescribed medications that I didn’t need and shouldn’t have been taking. I was weaned off the majority of the medication I had been taking, and left the hospital with a prescription for only one anti-depressant I had taken before without any fatal side effects, one anti-anxiety medication, and a new diagnosis of Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDNOS). After I left the hospital, I continued working with my psychiatrist on finally properly diagnosing my mental illnesses because very often people suffer from more than one, and e many mental illnesses have overlapping symptoms, making a proper diagnosis sometimes very difficult..

After my overdose, I called off my wedding since it was one of the reasons I had tried to commit suicide. I finally acknowledged all the red flags that my fiancé had exhibited but I had subconsciously repressed; he had anger management problems, was extremely controlling and had absolutely no understanding of mental illness, even though he thought he did. He thought he knew everything. He would make comments like ‘stop exaggerating’, ‘you don’t need medication’, and my favourite, ‘it’s all in your head’. No kidding! I suffer from mental illness; where else would it be? My arm? My leg? But I’m ashamed to admit that I allowed him to treat him with ignorance and arrogance, that I allowed him to use me as a figurative mental punching bag for his anger, and that I allowed him to control my every move, much in the same way that my abusive late father had; unfortunately I’m proof that the expression “women tend to be attracted to men like their fathers” is true.

My overdose drastically changed our family dynamics. Immediately afterwards, me, my mother and my sister became closer as a family, and for the first time ever, my sister and I got along and actually had serious talks. Unfortunately, the joy that had come with my survival only lasted a few months before my depression returned, and my mother and sister

both blamed me for causing our’s mother’s anxiety to become worse, and for our mother having to move out of her apartment our building and into an “Assisted Living” apartment. My sister, my cousins both in Toronto and in Israel, and my mother’s few friends saw how depressed and anxious she had become after her had mother passed away, and how my suicide attempt had made her depression and anxiety worse.

Six months before she moved, my relatives were in town from Israel and my sister was in town from Toronto, and the three of them helped my mother visit and decide into which building to move; I was only told less than two weeks before she moved. Before my overdose, my mother was one of my best friends to whom I could talk to about absolutely anything. After my overdose, she avoided talking to me as much as she could. So although I didn’t cause my mother’s depression and anxiety, I did make them both worse for her.

I have to accept to consequences of my actions, but I didn’t expect my mother and sister to hate me as much as they do for attempting to commit suicide, for relapsing into a severe depression within a few months that from which, two years later, I’m still struggling to recover, and for causing them so much pain.

My sister eventually decided she’d had enough of my depression which manifested as anger and bitchiness, decided that she didn’t want or need me in her life, and didn’t want or need to deal with me any longer because my of anger, jealousy and resentment towards her, and blocked every possible method of communication to prevent me from contacting her.

When she had emergency gallbladder surgery a few months ago, I sent her a ‘Get Well’ card with what I thought was a nice message, but she never acknowledged receiving it. She’s made it clear that she has cut me out of her life completely, and I doubt I’ll ever see or speak to her again. I don’t know if it was easy or painful for her to cut all ties with me, but we haven’t spoken in at least 18 months.

My suicide attempt also changed my perspective about life, both positively and negatively. I finally forgave my father for what he did to me and the resulting negative psychiatric consequences he caused, 15 years after he had passed away. I believe that he, and the rest of my family and friends who have already passed helped save my life.

I started believing in G-D again; I regained my faith in a religion I felt had abandoned me years ago, but had been wrong. I should have died three times; in a car that flipped numerous times on the Trans-Canada highway into a ditch separating westbound from eastbound traffic lanes, in a grease fire in one of my apartments and by overdosing.

Obviously I’m here for a reason, and will gladly remain here until I’ve accomplished what I was put on this earth to do.

Finally at age 44, I have been properly diagnosed with numerous mental illnesses: Depression, Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDNOS) with traits of Borderline (BPD), Avoidant (AvPD) and Narcissistic (NPD) Personality Disorders, Adjustment Disorder (AjD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Unfortunately, Personality Disorders can’t be treated with medication but they can be managed with specialized therapy. So I take medication and have done Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which has helped tremendously.

Now I take pleasure in the smallest of things; a good cup of coffee, a sunny day, a good book, losing half a pound, having clean socks and underwear, a good movie, sleeping late, among other things.

I know that medication and therapy will never completely obliterate my illnesses, I’ll have relapses of depressive episodes and I’ll have thoughts of suicide, but I know I won’t act on them. I’ve learned to enjoy life.

I will never again attempt to commit suicide.

[fauzhee10069]

Made too soon? My ‘woke’ OC in a not so woke times

When I was browsing my old drawings, I found one particular work, a work I made for an OC contest back in early 2016:

dA link: Pre-battle Briefing

She belongs to Tolkien’s world, in The Silmarillion. You know? As his fictional universe was created in 1937, surely the standard of female’s portrayal was quite different than today’s standard. You can read further about that here but in short:

"Tolkien's heroines have been both praised and severely criticized", and that his fictional women indeed have an ambiguous image, of "both passivity and empowerment". - Weronika Łaszkiewicz

I was into ‘prominent female character’ at the time, yeah… I prefer to call it ‘prominent’ rather than ‘strong’ because the later often associates with being physically strong/dominant/masculine. I mean, I want my female character to have importance in her role to the plot, but she doesn’t have to be necessarily strong in hand-to-hand combat, genius or superior to the others… problems that are in Dysney’s Rey and many live action princesses (particularly Mulan) at the moment.

What was her story?

My name is Megileth (or Macilё in quenya), I am a Noldorin elf who was born in Valinor near the end of the Years of the Trees. As a Noldo, I’m not really skilled at activities such as gardening and weaving, the results of my work is always messy, let alone to do the work of men like carvers and blacksmiths.

The contest was creating an OC based on yourself (a self-insert), of course I was being honest that I suck at sewing, weaving, and any handicraft works, something that is highlighted in the Tolkien’s world through female characters like Vairë, Míriel and Arwen. However, my OC Megileth also sucks at men’s works (just like me irl).

I feel that accidentally, Megileth is like Dysney’s (animated) Mulan in 1998 that she hardly fits in with the expectations of Chinese female as ‘the perfect bride’ of the time, but when she finally joined the army (aka ‘the world of men’), she was also struggling to be ‘a man’ and to blend into their world. You can watch more about the analysis of Dysney’s Mulan (both 1998 and 2020) here:

Mulan: A Case of Failed Empowerment

During my childhood, I’m interested in studying political science and strategy of war. My father believed in my potential so he made me study and also taught me swordmanship alongside my brothers. When I reached majority, my father and I joined together in Fingolfin’s entourage to middle-earth. Later, I served as military strategist and an advisor in Hithlum from Fingolfin’s through Fingon’s reign.

This is my build up to give her that ‘prominent role’ in story, as The Silmarillion has many battle in it, I wanted her to be involved with those. During the battles, I didn't make her a strong fighter, but rather a character behind the scenes who works as a military advisor. Surely she can fight too but I gave her that ability more as a requirement because she had to be on the battlefield, I thought it would be convenient if she could fight and strong enough to protect herself.

But at this point, it is also my concern that she could be a borderline Mary Sue as her prominence may competes with Galadriel, Eowyn and Haleth. As a side note, Megileth was not meant to work as a sole strategist, she worked alongside several other advisors in strategizing (mostly men with some women too).

I am also one of the advisors who participated during the Nirnaeth Arnœdiad. I'm proposing a marching formation to Anfauglith. Although I know how to fight, but since my martial skill is mediocre at best, I prefer to stay behind the army and observing the situation.

As I wanted her to be ‘prominent’, I gave her role in “Nirnaeth Arnœdiad”. Even though I wanted her to be a character who gets prominent role, I also refrained from making her a Mary Sue, that’s why I gave her limitation that she was just pretty average in hand-to-hand combat.

At the end of the battle which I barely survived, I wandered as nomadic until I reached Eregion and stayed there. Later, after Eregion was destroyed by Sauron, I along with the other survivors fled and settled in Rivendell. I spent my life there to teach the younger generations to prepare themselves if someday war will happen again.

After her role in climactic event ended, I always like the idea of peaceful retirement, that’s why I made her survive and settle down as a tutor.

The Background of Megileth’s story

In the description in my submission, I’ve written as follow:

The reason I chose this role if I live in Tolkien’s world is because I want to defy the stereotypical views on majority of women during middle-age that they are often portrayed and positioned as healers, wives, beautiful maiden, being powerful with magical powers or stayed behind (that's why women like Haleth and Eowyn are awesome).

Perhaps, I was having mentality of “i'm not like other girls” at the time but I am always like this since my childhood… I like to defy what is defined as “mostly/stereotypical/standard/commonly”... whatever. If all my classmates chose blue, I would choose red.

Perhaps, my upbringing from my father also had an effect on that: he wanted me to be an independent woman, not always dependent on men (it was also due to him being made to work so far from our home that we have to be separated for months). I can't always depend on my father so I have to be able to live without always relying on men.

In addition, the role as military advisor is kinda unique. The real me also very fond of real-time strategy and simulation games. The figure who inspired me in this role and background is Qin Liangyu, female general of Ming dynasty.

I am a history lover, I like to study history from different cultures. I'm not always fixated on prominent female historical figures, but whenever I stumble across them, I'm always interested to learn more about them.

Although my OC might deviates from most of the female characters in Tolkien’s world, I am against Mary Sue and as much as possible I tried not to make my OC to be that. Before I gave Megileth an important role as military advisor, I asked myself: “is that even possible?” Then I found some excerpts from The Histories of Middle Earth vol. 10 “Laws and Customs Among the Eldar” that may support the possibility of Megileth’s role:

In all such things, not concerned with the bringing forth of children, the neri and nissi (that is, the men and women) of the Eldar are equal—

There are indeed some differences between the natural inclinations of neri and nissi, and other differences that have been established by custom (varying in place and in time, and in the several races of the Eldar). For instance, the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among the Eldar most practised by the nissi; whereas it was the elven-men who bore arms at need.

Indeed in dire straits or desperate defence, the nissi fought valiantly, and there was less difference in strength or speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals. On the other hand many elven-men were great healers and skilled in the lore of living bodies,

but all these things, and other matters of labor and play, or of deeper knowledge concerning being and the life of the World, may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi.

- (Morgoth's Ring, "The Second Phase", Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, pages 209-214)

Based on my interpretation, this indicates that although certain custom may develop traditional roles for elvish men or women, it does not mean that these roles must be strictly performed. For example, when generally the arts of war are most practiced by men and the arts of healing are most practiced by women, there are also men who choose to become healers instead of warriors and women who are more interested in learning things that considered masculine.

I was happy that I found those excerpts, they gave me ‘a green light’ for the role of Megileth. However, despite the existence of the excerpts, criticism of sexism in Tolkien’s works remain because the lack of actual story/narrative that reflects that.

Then, what was the outcome of the contest?

I did not win.

That’s it. The reason why I did not win and why the winners won remains a mystery to this day.

I didn't expect to get the first place, but I did hope I could at least be runner-up or third, or even to be part of honorable mentions if there is any. If I'm being honest, of course I was disappointed… for not winning any place, but the bigger thing was that I don't know why?

I think I was too ambitious or overconfident at the time, I thought that my concept of Megileth’s story was quite unique and deserves the attention from the judges, I thought that my drawing was quite good (not a top-tier but still acceptable at least). In the end, I did not win anything.

What was the reason they won? What was the reason I did not win? Actually, what were the qualifications to win? My lack of knowledge about this made it even more difficult for me to accept my loss. Had I known the reasons, I will be more relieved to accept my loss: “so, that’s why she won… hmm, congratulation!”

Then to ease my disappointment at that time, I wrote a post about BEST WAYS TO ANNOUNCE CONTEST WINNERS. Although that post looks like a genuinely helpful post, I actually wrote it as "f*ck u!" to the judges, “you hurt my feeling for disregarding my work without reason!” Yeah, I was a whining womanchild and acting immature like a special snowflake.

Was this related to ‘wokeness’?

Of course up to this day, finding the real reason for that loss is absolutely impossible, but in this year 2020, I try to reflect on this matter.

Was my OC too far-fetched? Was Megileth a Mary Sue? Was Megileth incompatible within Tolkien’s world?

With the lack of actual reason and qualification, I have tried to guess it through the winner.

I am Natalie, Queen of Erebor and Wife of Thorin Oakenshield. I am standing with Thorin on our bedroom balcony, in my nightgown with the view from Erebor behind us. This is after the Battle of the five armies and I have just told Thorin that I am pregnant.

The drawing is beautiful so I don’t have any complain there. The winner created her OC as the Queen of Erebor and Thorin’s wife. The illustration is quite romantic, she was also inspired by Agmir's Seasick fanfiction, a self-insert fanfiction with Thorin/Reader.

The concept is pretty average but quite romantic. I've been reading various fanfics for more than a decade, surely self-insert, OC and reader-insert have become common things in various fandoms. Many readers like to project themselves to be paired with fictional characters with charming appearance.

Apart from that, the role of a queen and someone’s wife is also quite common in the Tolkien’s world. Natalie has a role that most of the female characters there have had, as a queen and a loving wife. She stayed inside the palace, welcoming Thorin in their bedroom, giving him happy news of her pregnancy.

Is it this average role that trumps the (so-called) unique role of my OC?

Natalie wears nightgown (feminity) whereas Megileth wears armor (masculinity).

Natalie fits so well in the world of Tolkien whereas Megileth might be trying too hard to be special in that world.

I’m not criticizing the role of Natalie, being a wife and stay-at-home mom does not make you an inferior woman (the funny thing is, I am dreaming of that life right now). But do you think that Megileth is a Mary Sue… as a female character who wants to get a role in the major event of Nirnaeth Arnœdiad?

Was that what the judges thought at the time?

Another interesting thing behind Megileth's story is that initially, I intended to make a female elf OC as a healer.

…the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among the Eldar most practised by the nissi (women)…

- (Morgoth's Ring, "The Second Phase", Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, pages 209-214)

Had Megileth been a healer (perhaps her name might not be “Megileth”) as I had considered back then, would she fit better in the world of Tolkien? Would I have a chance to win?

It was early 2016, although the term "woke" has already been around back then, it was not yet a trend as it is today. I also wonder, is it possible that the judges at that time become woke today if this contest was held this year?

Or perhaps they themselves actually despise the 'woke culture'.

Afterall, it was just a small contest, something that I no longer need to ponder about it.

Most obvious woke culture in these days can be seen in various Hollywood reboots and Dysney’s live actions (particularly, the princesses).

Looking at those princesses and their portrayal in live actions, looking at Mulan in her 2020 live actions version… perhaps a character like Megileth is finally able to get her time to shine.

But expect the criticisms that might attack her as well.

Megileth and Tauriel

Reflecting on this made me think of Tauriel, she is an OC created by Peter Jackson in The Hobbits film trilogy. Tauriel was a wood-elf (silvan) of Mirkwood and captain of the Elven guard of Thranduil’s Woodland Realm. Throughout the film, a subplot develops involving romance between her and Kíli.

The introduction of Tauriel brought quite a cacophony to the fans, various criticisms had attacked her conception. Just like my OC, she got ‘special’ position that isn’t common for the female elves in Tolkien’s world, as a warrior and head of the Woodland Realm guard.

Tauriel’s portrayal in PJ’s The Hobbits struck her like a double edged sword. The canon extremists criticized Tauriel's status as a female warrior and leader of Thranduil’s elven guard, “Tolkien did not write his female elves like that!” On the other hand, feminists also criticized her for being the love interest, “her love story with Kíli was unnecessary!”

There is a legit criticism regarding Tauriel’s character but there is also fan who defended her in the movies, that her existence has brought improvement for The Hobbits.

Tauriel was probably one of the woke characters who came really earlier.

We may not be able to create a perfect character. Among appreciations for your character, there will definitely be criticisms that accompany it. I think, it is enough for us to be happy that the characters we make successfully bring the attention.

As if someone would care about my OC Megileth XD

Self-Insert and Mary Sue

Why do people write SIs? Because to write a decent main character, you need to have a good idea of who you're writing, and everybody knows themselves well enough to write about. A Self-Insert is not only the easiest character to write about, it is the default character to write about. This is particularly prevalent in fanfic, where the setting is already filled in, and the inspiration comes from someone automatically applying their default character. You have to deliberately create an original story, but a Self-Insertion fanfic writes itself (at least loosely).

Going for an SI over an OC can be a lazy choice, and if that laziness continues to the rest of the work, it can be an indicator of a poor story, but this isn't a flaw inherent to SI stories so much as SIs simply having a lower entry bar.

A Self-Insert is also generally considered to be a fair character to write about. ...An SI is assumed to be an audience member, an 'everyman' to some reasonable degree (even if it is assumed that gun-enthusiasts like to write stories in which guns exist, and so on), and this is a key detail. There's never a hard rule on what's considered wanky, but everyone agrees on a gut level that it's fair to write a story on the premise of “this is what I would do in this situation”. Fanfic is often written on the premise of an altered, different or additional protagonist doing things differently/better/more interestingly than the original story, and the use of an everyman as protagonist is usually considered a fair standard, as it usually below the accepted 'power level' of the setting. ...Even the addition of meta-knowledge, whilst sometimes absurdly potent, is sufficiently within the domain of 'the everyman' that people will read it without harming their SoD, so long as there is a tolerable excuse for why that knowledge is present (though many people do include it as their one unicorn).

Furthermore, there is sometimes an element of challenge to it. Many competent original writers avoid giving their protagonists the idiot ball by making a situation really, really crappy. Thus it becomes for many a question of “can I write an interesting story in which the problem is solved better than in canon?” So not only is the SI trying to do a better job than the original characters, the SI-writer themself is trying to do a better job than the original writer.

To be honest, I think the clearest indicator of a Mary Sue is when they stop being an 'everyman', and start being someone whom the audience cannot bring themselves to relate to.

...A non-Mary Sueish Self-Insert is narratively justified. Narrative justification is easier when the character isn't highly-competent, uncommonly popular, or possessed of traits that would not be expected to come about naturally from the circumstances of that story or character, but I feel that the ability of the story to make any oddities of the characters, setting or plot seem reasonable, logical and believable is the ultimate determiner of whether a protagonist is a Mary Sue.

– frozenchicken, from ‘Sufficient Velocity’ forum.

The contest that I participated in was to make a self-insert character (a character based on yourself), in Tolkien’s world.

Megileth is a character that I created based on myself and what was on my mind (at that time).

I was into prominent female figures (be it in fiction or in history), therefore I also wanted to make a character that fits into that.

The idea of Megileth was also influenced after I read several times about the criticisms of Tolkien’s female characters.

…it becomes for many a question of “can I write an interesting story in which the problem is solved better than in canon?” So not only is the SI trying to do a better job than the original characters, the SI-writer him/herself is trying to do a better job than the original writer…

Perhaps I accidentally made Megileth an improved female character of Tolkien, something that is very trending in the circle of feminism today (Hollywood reboots & Dysney’s live-actions) but very much despised by canon purists and casual audiences.

And the judges may have thought that “Megileth can’t be Tolkien’s character,” “Megileth is Mary Sue,” etc (despite her weaknesses and my careful survey not to defy the canon).

I was considering Megileth as a healer, there are many female elves in Tolkien’s world who are healers, according to “Of the Laws and Customs Among the Eldar”:

The scholiast claims that most female Elves do not fight or kill, because it diminishes healing power in which they have chosen to specialize, and that those male Elves who are healers "abstained from hunting, and went not to war until the last need."

Going by the ‘canon’ rules, Megileth as healer can’t be a warrior, she cannot go to war unless until the last need.

Megileth as a healer would lowkey reflect my childhood aspiration to be a doctor. But for a self-insert character (based on myself), she would hardly reflect me at the time (in early 2016). Because by then, I had long neglected my old aspiration that is already impossible to realize.

I thought that ‘Megileth as an elf warrior and advisor’ would reflect me better than ‘Megileth as a healer’.

Then, comparing Megileth with Natalie (the winner) without knowing what the reasons were from the judges regarding the result, I can only assume that Megileth failed to portray Tolkien’s (female) character while Natalie did it very well.

I Nestad in-Edhil: The Healing of the Eldar

To be honest, I felt there was a sense of contrary to this contest. As the contest was about self-inserting, surely I created Megileth to reflect myself (as much as possible) in Tolkien’s world. Then what about the standard for not making her ‘Mary Sue’?

I didn't think about making Megileth so fit into that world, as in giving her the average roles (healers, wives/lovers/queens or handmaidens) because such a role would not reflect who I was at the time, giving her those roles would make her no longer me.

I was not in love to anyone, I did not fantasize about having romantic relationships with any fictional characters. Therefore I can’t be just <insert canon male character name here>’s lover.

Then, my solution to not making her a Mary Sue was that her fighting ability is average, that she was not the only advisor the Noldor relied on in every battlefield, that she is not an exceptionally genius but her capability is quite acknowledged, that she was involved in a losing battle (Nirnaeth Arnœdiad), and although she survived, she does not make a big name like the legendary Galadriel.

Plus, she doesn’t heal people because she can’t be a healer!

I think it was my mistake for participating in the contest, I was tempted by the gifts they offered for the winner. I shouldn't have been involved in that contest.

Self-Insert character is our personal character, they are “us if we are in a world of fiction”. There should be no character better than another. No one should win over another.

Of course my loss at the contest felt like a personal attack on me. “So I made a bad character? But that character is based on me, am I bad then?”

Since then, I have never taken part in any OC contests, especially if it's based on myself.

…an SI can be written like any other character, with flaws and mistakes, while a Mary Sue is by definition flawless.

Of course, it is perfectly possible for a character to be both an SI and a Mary Sue, and it is my understanding that this is the general state of affairs. It is something about writing about themselves that makes authors unwilling to acknowledge their flaws.

…SIs do frequently fall under the Mary Sue label, but not all SIs are Mary Sue fics, and not all Mary Sues are SIs. Thus, it is possible to write a non-MS SI, but it is not possible to write a good MS fic.

- Grey Rook, from ‘Sufficient Velocity’ forum.

Self-inserts are simply characters based on ourselves. People write SIs for the wish fulfillment and power fantasy. It depends on our imagination and how we fantasize, it is possible to make realistic self-insert without making them a Mary Sue, but there will always be a risk of turning your self-insert into Mary Sue.

I think it's not really fair to use “Self-Insert theme” as a contest, it would be better to have it as an event. Artists and writers can have fun with their self-inserts without having to win or lose, without having to feel that their characters are better or worse than the others.

[thegristforthemill]

It's the End of the World As We Know It And I Feel Fine (And You Can Too)

Image Credit Michael Smith, Circa 2008

The Ending Is Trending

Although it's been over 30 years since R.E.M. stormed the airwaves with the campy hit, It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine, for some reason, it keeps playing in my head. Who knew back in the blissful '80s that this could have been the anthem of 2020? The year brought more than we could have imagined, pandemic aside- social unrest, conspiracy theories abound, and of course, the looming end of days.

Our Prepping Past

This is a delicate conversation, no doubt, we are talking doomsday here. But, for me, that's old hat. That's my past. Yes, it sounds crazy- how could the end of the world be my past? Let me explain. For nearly 10 years, my husband and I lived on a 200+ acre property with my family in rural Tennessee. It was our little compound; my parents, grandparents, sister were all safely protected from the world's dangers. We had our own homes, but the property was fitted with a large and fully stocked underground bunker for when the time came. In short, I'm familiar with the topic.

The constant, imminent fear of what was to surely destroy all who were unknowing or unprepared was always present. My father was convinced we had to be ready - there were family meetings to discuss the latest threat to our survival. If it wasn't solar flares, it was the collapse of the economy. And if it wasn't either of those, then the Yellowstone Super Volcano was only a matter of time. Nuclear warfare, natural disasters, alien invasion, or a global pandemic- the list of potential candidates never seemed to end. It was terrifying.

We respected my father immensely because he was remarkable, brilliant, and commanding in almost every regard. I believed everything he said, without equivocation, for years. I would have blindly followed him into a fire. But we didn't all see things the same as he did. This became an area of contention in my marriage; it was the beginning of a breaking point.

The time and energy put towards preparing for doom was not a way to live. It was death waiting to happen, a life of fear. We were surviving, not thriving. While we were so busy worrying about the end, we weren't living in the present. We didn't have lives and certainly not social ones. We were, well, I was, a hermit. My husband went out of town as often as possible until he was just gone.

Our marriage nearly ended. I mean, it was hanging by a thread. We were a signature away from divorce. At the time, having to choose between my family and my husband felt like the end of my world. It was one of the most challenging decisions, but my father actually helped make it. When asked for his counsel, he only asked one question, "what lifestyle do you want?" He knew it no longer mattered if the world was actually to end but what we would do with the time while we were here. We ended up leaving Tennessee and moving to Florida to reset our marriage. There is more to that story, but that's for another day.

Finding The Gold

I'm grateful for the experience, the lessons, even the survival skills. It was a time that showed us who we are and who we choose to be. My father taught me many things before he passed away in 2017. The most valuable, the viewpoint that we get to choose our interpretations; it's all in how we see it.

These days, our doomsday plan consists of getting to the top of the Eiffel Tower, watching with champagne in hand.

I'm not suggesting to be unprepared for emergencies or to ignore potential threats. I share my experience to help those who may be hooked by the fear of it all. I offer another interpretation. Maybe the world is ending, or perhaps it's changing. Possibly what is coming to a close is the world as we know it. Change brings forth progress and growth. It might be time for what we've known to expire and our new potential to arise.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and proudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

-Hunter S. Thompson

How You Can Be Fine Too:

1. Build Your Bubble

The world is noisy. Everywhere, everyone wants you to agree, disagree, buy, like, share, subscribe, believe, cancel, etc.… We are bombarded with information all day. News, social media, other people's opinions- it's not healthy. It chips away at us slowly. We are so influenced by what we consume that we don't even think our own thoughts anymore; we regurgitate. It is called a 'feed,' after all.

Change your mental diet and manage what influences you. Tune out the external. Take a social media break. I intentionally don't have the Apps on my phone, so it isn't a regular part of my day.

Surround yourself with people that paint your world with vibrant colors. Choose influences that support your well-being.

2. Set It and Forget It

Do prepare for emergencies. Access your situation and determine the level of preparedness that works for your comfort. Ideally, have an emergency fund with several months of living expenses saved. Set it all up, and then forget about it. Move on, sleep at night, knowing you did your part, and the rest is up to the rest. Now go live!

3. Remember the Basic Needs of Man- Keep It Simple

This was pretty evident in the early days of the pandemic - we all scrambled to get plenty of food, water, and for some reason, toilet paper. Aside from that, there's air, nutrients, and light. Then, shelter, which says nothing about a pool, a gazebo, or a guest house. When we stop and boil it down, life is pretty simple. We just make it complicated. If you have the basic needs, be grateful.

4. Watch Life is Beautiful

This year changed us, altered our perspective. We see things differently now. What if we have the power to change what we see regardless of the circumstances? Watch the film Life Is Beautiful (La vita è Bella) for serious inspiration. Based on a true story. If, when forced into a Nazi concentration camp, Guido can create a game out of the holocaust for his son, then we can make something out of anything.

5. Burn It All Down

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Janis Joplin sang, "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose." Let those words sink in. We have to put it all on the line, release all attachments to people, things, expectations, and the image we or others have of us. When we can let go of all of this, then we are free.

As scary as it was to leave our life in Florida before moving into the ole R.V., it was also liberating. Getting rid of the stuff, the headaches, the bills, the trappings of a life in SoFL….stripping ourselves of everything we thought we knew to go on a journey of discovery. The song Burn It Down by AWOLNATION motivates me to throw caution to the wind and say F*ck it all.

We are here one time, and who knows for how long. What are you waiting for?

Learn more about our journey @ www.theodyssee.com

[feminetflix]

De atracos y ab*rtos - Of heists and ab*rtions or How women are being robbed.

⚠️ this contains major spoilers for LA CASA DE PAPEL / MONEY HEIST season 1, specifically episode 3!

Personally, I have experienced the series la casa de papel (original title) or money heist as progressive, realistic and not afraid to deal with certain topics like domestic violence which I will be commenting on in posts yet to be published, female trans representation and occasionally peppered with numerous feminist parentheses (see characters like Nairobi and dialogues around/involving her opinion).

However, there are certain aspects I did not enjoy to watch / do not support. That is normal and every show has its flaws, those resulting all the more dangerous however, as money heist is not just any show. The series is thanks to its popularity by now a relevant aspect of people’s opinion-forming and plays into the perception of many people all around the world, coming from different cultures and having experienced all kinds of upbringing. The target audience is not specified, yet crime drama (the genre) is estimated to target both females and males aged 15-40 years old. Means, also targeting minors and adolescents. Again, all cultures / religions / races / classes etc etc included.

I am fully aware that this kind of range was not expected and therefore not taken into account by producers, talking about the first two seasons that were solely meant for a Spanish audience, not an international one. (The series was initially intended as a limited series to be told in two parts. It had its original run of 15 episodes on Spanish network Antena 3 from 2 May 2017 through 23 November 2017. Netflix acquired global streaming rights in late 2017). The analysed / discussed scene is indeed part of this maybe not so carefully crafted content. Cough.

Let’s get right into it.

Characters interacting: Mónica Gaztambide (Esther Acebo), one of the hostages who was also Arturo Román's secretary and introduced as his mistress and “Denver” (Jaime Lorente), one of the robbers participating in the heist [Denver is an alias, all robbers being referred to with city names]

Context: Mónica has an affair with Arturo Román (Enrique Arce) -hostage and former Director of the Royal Mint of Spain- which leads to an unwanted pregnancy. Numerous factors influence her (for now) final decision: she doesn’t want the child. Shortly after, the robbery unfolds and she’s taken hostage among other people. She then requests an ab*rtion pill, which at some point arrives in the mint alongside other medical supplies. The scene analysed: one of the robbers (Denver) is supposed to hand her mentioned ab*rtion pill. Before that he holds an emotional speech on the subject, morally risen forefinger, accusations and tears included.

Here the dialogue without comments:

————Now my opinion / the actual post:

“You need money, right?” One might think that the amount of money seen in this frame (20.000,-€ approx. $21.701,50 according to Denver) is an exaggerated, way too generous gesture. Let me tell you, it is not.

According to a 2017 report from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the average cost of raising a child from birth [to] age 17 is $233,610. If that made your heart skip a beat, take a deep breath before you read on. Incorporating inflation costs, it will be more like $284,570. Since that’s based on 2015 numbers, we can expect the cost will be even higher, babies born since then.

[…] This average includes everything from housing, food and transportation to healthcare, education and childcare to clothing, personal care items and entertainment.

Let me now remind you that Mónica is a secretary, so she likely earns (barely) enough money to be financially independent herself (taking into account that she lives near or maybe even in Madrid, her workplace, the Royal Mint situated there, so housing alone is hella expensive) and can’t really expect reliable support coming from the potential child’s father, Arturo Román, either, who initially denied support himself, their relationship a secret to the family and wife he already has. Phew.

Btw: A University of California at San Francisco study found that women who were turned away from ab*rtion clinics […] were three times more likely to be below the poverty level two years later than women who were able to obtain ab*rtions. 76% of the "turnaways" ended up on unemployment benefits, compared with 44% of the women who had ab*rtions.

“Enough to get the kid diapers until he graduates.” The problem or let’s say points raised above are now also being ridiculed or not taken seriously to say the least.

She takes the money, sticking to her decision however. “So, what’s the problem?” Or “Then, what is it?” A million additional things, Denver, believe it or not a potential child is a big deal. That and none of your business.

Also, see the reaction? How he stares at her in disbelief (and possibly even disgust, see the risen corner of his lips?). How he looks at her as if she were heartless, selfish, a monster – the picture often painted in this debate when it comes to women who decide to terminate a pregnancy. How he doesn’t respect her “no, thanks” and continues. Continues influencing her, later on even starts to mansplain his way into her stone cold heart. Okay, then let me continue as well.

“That he’ll f*ck up your life? […] Your son. Better to have your life f*cked up by your son than any of these sons of b*tches. Or me.” Call it ‘f*ck up’ or not – that is entirely her perception, her decision and I’d dare to say…she knows best.

First, because regardless of the fact that she is a woman and you are not – well it is indeed her life and, uhm, excuse me Denver, you’re no sibling, no friend, no acquaintance, quite the contrary, you have known her for what? Three minutes and already jump to conclusions?

Take the privilege of explaining her how a child would f*ck or not f*ck up her life?!!

Secondly, what makes him assume the gender of this cluster of cells, this potential future life, this basis for a potential life that may later on develop into a life (it is not a walking talking baby boy already, my friend!).

Personhood begins after a fetus becomes “viable” (able to survive outside the womb) or after birth, not at conception.

Does it provide a smooth transition for that awfully funny and figurative “son” – “sons of b*tches” (org. Hijo – hijos de p*ta) line or is it literal propaganda?

Why does he say “your son”, although he cannot possibly know? I’ll tell you. In order to distract the audience from the fact that he is referring to a pea-sized basis for a potential life by painting the picture of an already existing male human being. Mónica, do you really want to murder your son? Mónica, does that cute little doe eyed baby boy really f*ck up your life? Yeah, propaganda at its best.

Also, another example for ridiculing the point “a child would destroy my life” by comparing an unwanted pregnancy to a literal robbery at gun point. Great one.

“This f*cks your life up. A kid doesn’t.” Do you see that raised gun, that is quite literally an extension of a raised index finger? Wow, the drama. On a different note, did you notice the symbolism? A weapon stands for death, murder and guess what is also often equated with murder.

“How do you know what f*cks up my life? What do you know?” Finally. Exactly. He doesn’t know her, like at all. He doesn’t know her situation and no, he’s also not the pregnant one or anyone who would have to worry about that.

What do you answer to that, hmm? Let’s make this whole dispute even more emotional and dramatic. That ‘a cute little son isn’t as bad as a robbery’ didn’t convince her?

Let’s try with an extraordinary f*cked up and tragic life story, nobody asked for. Its goal? Showing the oblivious, naive, little secretary what real ‘f*ck up’ means, despite the evident lack of any sort of knowledge when it comes to her life (story). Again, conclusion-jumping and wallowing in prejudice at its best.

Have a look at his expression while ‘lecturing’ her. How disrespectful, how belittling. ‘Oh please, what do you know about life?’. On a wider scale: ‘How could we possibly trust women to rationally and with a clear conscience decide such things for themselves – concerning life and death, if they have not the slightest idea, living in their bubble of security and stability and no real problems’ etc. This is everything but taking women and their reasoning abilities, their judgement seriously.

“My mother was going to ab*rt me.” Now the audience doesn’t only have the mental image of a potential cute little son, it is furthermore provided with the image of a living, breathing human being standing right in front of them. Just look at him and his pleading puppy dog eyes. No actual child actor could have done it better.

Thank god she did not go through with the ab*rtion, right? Oh thank god she was not allowed to.

Taking advantage of this frame to remind you of the fact that we are still talking about a POTENTIAL future life, not an existing one that is nevertheless put above the mother’s already existing life in this impudent, low and unfair debate.

“But first…she inhaled the heroin she had to sell to be able to pay for the ab*rtion. Then she was caught by the police. Between jail, drugs and the police, I was born. What do you know?”

1)Adding even more emotions, subtle accusations and drama to that oh so rational dispute? Check. Making his situation seem two thousand times worse than hers (which he, again, has no clue about)? Check. Subconsciously painting the picture of reckless, irresponsible drug addicts/ “lowlifes” or generally female members of “society’s margins” usually being the ones to abort and make it seem like the state’s or whoever’s responsibility to prevent them from deciding for themselves? Check.

2) Then he even tears her valid ‘what do you know (about my life)’ out of the initial context of being confronted with endless assumptions and prejudice and blows it way out of proportion in order to demonstrate the insignificance of … everything concerning her? Her background, her life, her reasons. Everything.

And FINALLY *drum rolls* the wild theories and hypotheses and presumptions she was dying to hear because since he, I repeat for the twelfth time, has no actual clue about her life, let’s make up one.

“Because it seems that you don’t have a very exciting job. And maybe outside of work your life is not that great either. Or what is it that you do? ‘Kilates’? And Friday night drinks, right? What a f*cking drag. Another plan ruined by the kid[…]” That and the entire following paragraph. Wow. All accusations thrown at women who decide to abort in one.

Because OF COURSE a middle aged, down to earth, intelligent, responsible woman like Mónica Gaztambide has no other reason for terminating a pregnancy than not being able to drink alcoholic beverages or party anymore. Because OF COURSE it is valid to assume a woman or any person for that matter one has known for half an hour and interacted with for literal five minutes has a boring enough life that would not be affected in any way by a pregnancy, birth and ultimately being forced to raise an unwanted child. Because OF COURSE Denver would know how much a pregnancy can affect somebody, especially one that is forced upon a person. Quite frankly he has no idea and no right. The audacity.

“Do [your friends who are also mothers] seem f*cked up? / Do their lives look f*cked up? No, right?” Because you know best. Not only regarding her life but on top of that also that of her friends. Because those pregnancies or motherhood in general did under no circumstances end a career or prevent them from pursuing one in the first place or cause the end of a relationship or force them to stay in a toxic or even abusive relationship or change their financial situation completely or rob them of their fragile financial independence and/or free time altogether or cause any (mental) health complications or … you get the point. Oh, and because their situations are completely identical to Mónica’s situation, that is additionally not half as dramatic as your life story. Of course, Denver.

Seeing the ‘rational’ argument doesn’t really work, let’s add yet another dramatic, emotional rhetorical question. As a precaution.

“Do you know how much a child can love you?”

How could she, being the heartless, cruel, selfish, irresponsible, ridiculous and impulsive murderess you’re ‘exposing’ her as?

⚠️ Another spoiler warning for seasons 3 and 4 and still 1.

Would Cincinnati - that’s her sons actual name, not alias – really love her like he does now?

Friendly reminder: his biological father (Arturo Román) let her know - right from the start - that he wouldn’t take on any responsibility whatsoever, regardless of his later statements about doing so. Why those statements don’t matter? Despite his awareness of her state, despite knowing she was pregnant he shortly after urges her on to steal the cellphone she is caught with right after the analysed scene, ready to risk her life and the potential life of his unborn child. Literally, because as soon as she is caught with it, Berlín orders Denver to execute her.

So to those of you who will now say “but- but Cincinnati is okay and has an amazing life and does love her” etc etc, first think certain things through. If Denver wouldn’t have spared her, if she didn’t just happen to get together with him and if the heist didn’t just happen to work out like that, what then?

Cincinnati would have a different name. What else? Well for one, he wouldn’t have a father (that is now Denver) like at all, resulting in possible daddy issues / issues in general. How I know Arturo, the biological father, wouldn’t be there for them, wouldn’t fulfill all his empty promises?

Did he canonically care about his son? Was he devastated that he was not given the possibility to see him or did he instead focus on that random book of his and his speeches about heroism and honour and so on? If he wouldn’t have called his wife by his mistress’s name and through that expose himself, if his family wouldn’t have left him all alone, don’t you think he would stick to them? Just to paint a picture of who the father is and how he behaves and what we can assume from that behaviour. So the probability was high she would’ve been left alone with I quote “all the love” and of course all the responsibility. It’s a thing, Denver.

Secondly, if she didn’t just happen to turn into a millionaire thanks to the heist working out, would she really be able to provide a life for Cincinnati? Would she really be able to remain financially independent? Would her life at her son’s side really be all peace and harmony if she wouldn’t just so happen to be able to live from heist money?

So many coincidences, so many risks and no security. Can we really blame her? Do we have the right?

With these questions I will end this seemingly endless post and leave you to think about it, reflect certain things and – if you want to – share your opinion(s) with me. Please don’t hesitate to do so, as long as those contain rational arguments and most importantly respect. Thank you for reading!

(Also: sorry for the extensive censoring, I had to, otherwise it wouldn’t appear in the tags.)

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to an emergency edition of FiveThirtyEight’s politics chat. The transcript below has been lightly edited.

sarah (Sarah Frostenson, politics editor): Very early Friday morning, President Trump tweeted that he and First Lady Melania Trump had tested positive for COVID-19. That news came just after reports on Thursday that White House senior advisor Hope Hicks had tested positive.

There’s a lot we still don’t know at this point, including the extent of White House staff affected or the severity of the president’s symptoms, but with about a month until Election Day, this is … an October surprise, to say the least.

Let’s start with one of the big questions: What does this mean for the election?

natesilver (Nate Silver, editor in chief): So for some reason I’m finding it hard to think through the electoral implications this morning. Maybe I need even more coffee. My thoughts right now are mostly some combination of:

Seriously how the F*CK does this happen? Shouldn’t everybody in the president’s orbit have been tested constantly?

And, OF COURSE this happened because 2020 and because the president clearly was not taking that many precautions

perry (Perry Bacon Jr., senior writer): My overall answer is, “I have no idea how this affects the election.” This is truly unprecedented, as far as I know, in American elections — the president getting a serious virus weeks before the election. I can’t think of any leader abroad who has gotten a virus like this weeks before the election either (though I am not an expert on elections outside of the United States).

So while I have some general thoughts, I wanted to lay that out first. I truly have no idea what to expect, how voters will react to Trump’s positive test, how the media will cover it or how other candidates will react.

I.

Don’t.

Know.

ameliatd (Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux, senior writer): Yeah — it’s such a black box and honestly so dependent on what happens next. Does Trump get really sick? Does he stay mostly asymptomatic? How far did the virus spread in the White House? All questions we can’t answer right now, of course. But hugely important for how people respond.

natesilver: Yeah. We’re going to be saying “I don’t know” a lot in this chat. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with thinking through the electoral implications. There’s an election happening literally NOW — millions of people have already voted. So Americans are wrestling with this stuff. We just don’t have a lot of good answers.

ameliatd: And, of course, there’s an open question about whether Joe Biden will test positive, after he and Trump were at the debate together on Tuesday.

natesilver: Right, and one thing I’m not sure people realize is that there can be several days between exposure and a positive test. So we won’t know for sure which people have or don’t have COVID-19 for a bit here.

ameliatd: In the meantime, though, this does mean that Trump can’t campaign for at a while, right? And what about the debates, which were supposed to be on Oct. 15 and 22? Do those still happen?

How much does it matter if Trump can’t campaign, though? This was already a deeply bizarre year and I’m not sure his rallies were going to put him over the edge.

natesilver: Zoom debates?

ameliatd: Everyone wanted that automatic mute last time!

natesilver: At a very basic, square-one level, COVID-19 is a huge liability for the president, and so placing more focus on COVID-19 probably isn’t great for him. But I don’t know how useful that is as a prior. Could Trump getting COVID-19 change his messaging around the virus and pandemic? Maybe. But this is Donald Trump we’re talking about. He’s not inclined to be overly disciplined or deferential to scientists, etc. He’s pretty unpredictable, and we don’t yet know a lot about how serious his symptoms are. And this is a bad disease that can have cognitive effects in addition to physical ones.

Also in terms of very, basic, non-debatable priors: the president’s re-election bid was in DEEP trouble going into this, at least by conventional measures. And the smattering of post-debate polls we’d gotten had been particularly bad for him. So just worth keeping that in mind.

sarah: Absolutely. But on the question of how this happened … The Trump campaign has not taken precautions seriously. They’ve continued to hold large, in-person events. And they’ve even mocked the Biden campaign for wearing masks.

Is one possible scenario from this that Americans take the coronavirus more seriously? Views on COVID-19 and Trump’s response to it are polarized by party, but how could Trump’s positive test change public opinion?

ameliatd: I think what happens with public opinion really depends on how sick Trump gets. As I wrote over the summer, a big part of the reason Republicans are not as into COVID-19 restrictions is that they are much, much less likely to view the virus as a personal health threat to them.

And research has indicated that Trump downplaying the virus is probably a significant driver of that. So I could see this playing out at least two ways …

Trump gets moderately or very sick and this does prompt Republicans to think, “Oh geez, this actually is serious and if it could happen to Trump it could happen to me”;

Trump remains mostly asymptomatic and it bolsters the idea that this is actually not such a big deal.

perry: So, writing this on Friday morning, here’s what I expect …

The overwhelming majority of people, even those who are older, don’t die from COVID-19. So the most likely outcome is that Trump and some of his staffers have COVID-19, stay somewhat distanced from everyone for two weeks and then Trump returns to campaigning for reelection (I am not sure if he has the big rallies, but I wouldn’t rule that out.) I am not even sure the next two debates have to be canceled — particularly the Oct 22 one. And basically nothing has shaken Trump’s job approval ratings or really the race overall. I don’t really expect this to shift things either.

The president testing positive for COVID-19 is obviously hugely significant, but it’s not revelatory. We already knew Trump was not taking the virus seriously enough. Now, we have a much more obvious manifestation of that fact, but nothing is really different. Biden may not be able to attack Trump as bluntly on COVID now, for decorum reasons, but this positive test reinforces Biden’s message that Trump has let this crisis get out of hand. So this matters, but I’m not sure it matters electorally in terms of shifting a lot of people’s votes.

ameliatd: I know we’re thinking way down the line now, but is it possible that battling and surviving COVID-19 could actually make Trump more popular in some corners? Especially if he doesn’t get very sick?

natesilver: Amelia, I’m not sure I really buy that. I mean, somehow if it made the president into a more empathetic person, maybe, I suppose? But (i) I’m not sure that’s how he’s likely to react as opposed to sending 6,000 tweets about the “China Virus” or something; and (ii) he’s been trying to project a lot of macho-ness/dominance and to portray Biden as old and feeble and I’m not sure how contracting a serious disease himself fits into that.

ameliatd: Well, but if he contracts a serious disease and doesn’t get very sick and recovers fairly quickly — that certainly doesn’t seem as bad for him.

natesilver: I guess if he recovers in a couple of weeks, which is still what happens for most people, maybe he’ll say he kicked COVID’s ass and/or it wasn’t that serious. But I don’t think that necessarily affects anything electorally.

ameliatd: So, is the main impact potentially less about politics and more about the way Americans think about the virus? Either prompting Republicans to take it more seriously or reinforcing their sense that this really isn’t a big deal?

There was research back in March indicating that COVID-19 spreading at CPAC helped drive a brief moment when Republicans and Democrats were on the same page about the seriousness of the virus.

perry: So I don’t buy this idea that Trump will get COVID-19, be fine and then start calling it “Fake News.” We just learned Ronna McDaneil, the RNC chair, has also tested positive. So has Hope Hicks, a top Trump adviser. I think enough people in Trump’s circle may have the virus that THOSE PEOPLE start taking this more seriously, basically forcing him to as well.

natesilver: This is one sort of message we might hear, I guess:

Remember: China gave this virus to our President @realDonaldTrump and First Lady @FLOTUS.  

WE MUST HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE.

— Kelly Loeffler (@KLoeffler) October 2, 2020

sarah: But this question of whether it will change how seriously people perceive the coronavirus is an interesting one. Americans overall, as we saw in our debate polling with Ipsos, listed the coronavirus as their No. 1 issue:

COVID-19 and the economy are Americans’ top two issues

Share of respondents who named each issue as the top one facing the U.S., according to a FiveThirtyEight/Ipsos poll

issue share of all Respondents COVID-19 31.7%

–

The economy 21.6

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Health care 7.9

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Racial inequality 7.4

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Climate change 5.2

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Violent crime 4.8

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The Supreme Court 4.5

–

Economic inequality 3.0

–

Immigration 2.8

–

Education 2.6

–

Abortion 2.3

–

Gun policy 1.9

–

Other 1.6

–

Data comes from polling done by Ipsos for FiveThirtyEight, using Ipsos’s KnowledgePanel, a probability-based online panel that is recruited to be representative of the U.S. population. The poll was conducted Sept. 21-28 among a general population sample of adults, with 3,133 respondents and a margin of error of +/- 1.9 percentage points.

However, among potential Trump supporters a much smaller share (15.5 percent) said the coronavirus was their most important issue, many more were concerned about the economy:

Potential Trump voters care most about the economy

Among respondents who were more likely to vote for Trump than Biden, share who named each issue as the top one facing the U.S., according to a FiveThirtyEight/Ipsos poll

issue share of trump supporters The economy 38.4%

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COVID-19 15.5

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Violent crime 9.5

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The Supreme Court 6.2

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Abortion 5.4

–

Health care 4.9

–

Immigration 4.8

–

Education 3.9

–

Gun policy 3.4

–

Other 2.4

–

Racial inequality 1.8

–

Economic inequality 1.6

–

Climate change 0.5

–

Respondents were asked to rate how likely they were to vote for each candidate on a scale of 0-10. Respondents were deemed more likely to vote for whichever candidate they gave a higher score. Respondents who gave both candidates the same score are not included.

Data comes from polling done by Ipsos for FiveThirtyEight, using Ipsos’s KnowledgePanel, a probability-based online panel that is recruited to be representative of the U.S. population. The poll was conducted Sept. 21-28 among a general population sample of adults, with 3,133 respondents and a margin of error of +/- 1.9 percentage points.

I think you could argue that the economy is probably linked to coronavirus among Trump supporters, but this could be a moment that has public health repercussions, yes?

ameliatd: Well, there was a jobs report this morning — one that I suspect is now going to get a LOT less attention. It was kinda positive — if you can consider the unemployment rate falling just under 8 percent positive.

perry: I think there could be a bunch of real, important health outcomes from this …

GOP governors and mayors may be a bit more hesitant to lift COVID restrictions;

Democratic mayors and governors may cite Trump’s positive test as part of their messaging on keeping restrictions in place;

Republican voters may become a bit less dismissive of COVID, in part because GOP elites take it more seriously;

Overall, this news could be important and have a positive impact in terms of Americans taking the virus more seriously.

ameliatd: Yeah, I’m also wondering if this will change the way Republican governors approach restrictions, which are all but completely lifted in some states.

Although I do think it’s important to note that the vast majority of Americans say they’ve been complying with public health guidelines like mask-wearing, even if Republicans are much less likely to agree with government restrictions on businesses.

perry: To take an example: Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp, a Republican, is never going to give a press conference and say something like, “I was downplaying COVID-19 but then Trump got it and it reinforced how serious this was.” At least, I think that will never happen?

natesilver: I suppose I’m skeptical that this will necessarily change all that much. As you can see from the Kelly Loeffler tweet above, there are lots of partisan responses that don’t necessarily involve taking the disease more seriously per se.

Now, if Trump said something like what Perry just layed out, i.e. “I wasn’t taking this seriously enough, and I now understand the error of my ways…” then OK! That could make a difference! But I’m not sure that’s necessarily the most likely outcome.

ameliatd: But for regular people, I think a lot of this is about the gut-level fear that this might happen to them. Trump downplaying it, not wearing a mask, and not getting sick almost certainly helped reinforce the feeling among Republicans that it’s not a big deal. So I also think the way this is presented in conservative media, how visible Trump’s illness is — all of that matters for how people respond.

It’s true that the partisan response is pretty baked in at this point. But if Trump gets really sick, I could see that changing. Of course, if Republican governors start being more cautious with restrictions again and more people lose their jobs — that raises questions for whether a new stimulus package might actually get off the ground, too. I remain skeptical that will happen! But maybe there’s more pressure to break the stalemate in Congress?

sarah: There are a number of possibilities here, the most pressing one, of course, is that Trump can’t campaign — not to mention if Vice President Mike Pence has to step in. What should we be looking for as this story develops?

ameliatd: Trump’s symptoms are obviously a big one. And if they’re serious, there might be calls to take him off the ballot.

Also, Biden’s testing status — which we should know sooner than Trump’s symptoms, I would think.

natesilver: Right, part of what makes this tough to predict — and I’m not against prediction! — is that we don’t yet know if Trump will have a mild or severe case, how many people in his orbit are also infected, whether Biden is infected, etc.

perry: Assuming Trump recovers, what does his campaign look like on Oct. 16? Is he still holding big rallies? Is he wearing a mask? Are his staffers? Does the Oct. 22 debate take place, and in person? What about the Oct. 15 one? Is he further dismissing the virus because he survived it?

natesilver: Let’s also keep in mind that the recovery process isn’t quick for some people. It can take months, or longer — long-term COVID symptoms are scary.